THE CHASE IS ON ‌ Chicks Dig Jerks

Even Hitler had Eva Braun


There’s this girl I knew in college, Julie. She was probably one of the most beautiful, creative, sweetest human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, was a complete dick. He openly cheated on Julie, stole money from her purse to buy cocaine, emotionally abused her in front of everybody, and took a swing at a male friend who stood up to him. My friends and I pleaded with her to kick the douchebag to the curb, and she always said she would, but never did. It was too painful to stand by her side and watch this guy piss all over her virtue, so we eventually lost touch. Thanks to the glory of MySpace, I’ve rekindled some friendships from the good ol’ NC School of the Arts crowd, and found out disturbing news: Not only is Julie still with him, but he’s worse than ever. And there’s a kid on the way. Oh, Julie … you sucker.

Hey, I’m guilty of it too. Ladies, we’ve all fallen for a jerk at one point or another. And fellas, I know you’ve got to have at least one psycho hosebeast under your belt. In fact, the girls I know who I’d consider to be nuttier than squirrel shit always appear to have a seemingly stable guy in their lives. I’ve heard crazy chicks are killer in the sack (just look at Angelina Jolie), but there must be something more to it, like a little emotional alchemy.

Without sounding too philosophical, I step back and look at my emotional life as a series of patterns. I truly buy into the idea that we are all walking palindromes — we strive to improve ourselves throughout our life, but when it comes down to it, no matter how much knowledge we’ve acquired, we’re the same person in the end as we are in the beginning. However, that does nothing to improve our consciousness when it comes to the trials and tribulations of relationships.

For example, when you were growing up maybe you felt temporarily ignored, abused, or emotionally deprived by a family member, a friend, a mentor, etc. Any kind of rejection, no matter how brief, leaves a lasting impression in your psyche. You spend the rest of your life seeking out people who encompass the negative qualities of the loved ones who affected you growing up. Why? Because we always think that this time we can overcome, that we can understand why they behave the way the do, and that we can break them into giving us the unconditional love that we all want and deserve. Hence the reason nice girls stick with assholes. Whoa, sorry to go all “Dr. Phil” there, but don’t worry. I probably have about the same amount of Psych Ed as he does.

What we fail to remember is that no one ever changes. We were born with grey matter and opposable thumbs, and that’s as good as it’s gonna get. The nice guys get passed over for the emotionally unavailable, angry men, because they remind us of daddy. How sick is that?

So, Julie, if you’re reading this online, pack up your shit and book it to the East Coast as soon as possible. The last thing you want to do is expose a child to your boyfriend and his issues. Just think of the assholes that she’ll end up dating if you do.

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