Who's a bigger badass — the Ayatollah Khomeini or Ahmadinejad? 

The '80s versus the '00s

The Double Os haven't been all fun and games. Yeah, we've had a blast playing with our Wii's, crushing on Barack Obama, and celebrating the train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan, but we've suffered through an economic meltdown, a long, hard slog of a war in Iraq, and the Jonas Brothers. The '80s weren't much different. Yeah, we had Rocky IV and Rambo, but we also had Over the Top and Cobra. Just awful. But how do the two decades stack up compared to each other — which one is the bigger, better decade? Read on and find out.

Ayatollah Khomeini vs. Ahmadinejad

Khomeini has two things on his opponent — one, he was the supreme leader of Iran, and, two, his stare was infinitely scarier than the current Iranian president's ill-formed rants any day.

Winner: Ayatollah Khomeini


A devastating disease that first ran rampant in the gay community before moving on to the population at large, AIDS has no cure. ADHD on the other hand is a disease that apparently every grade school child has and can be cured by reintroducing recess and gym class to American schools. Winner: AIDS

Robin Williams vs. Robin Williams

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Cocaine is a powerful drug. And when it came to Robin Williams, it was the fuel that powered his sweaty, schizophrenic, so-funny-you-wet-yourself stand-up routines. But once Williams sobered up, he went from Fudd to dud.

Winner: Cocaine

Reagan vs. Bush

The Gipper took on the Evil Empire and beat its butt while George W. Bush was beaten by a pretzel. Winner: Reagan

The San Francisco 49ers vs. The New England Patriots

Joe Montana, Dwight Clark, The Catch. Tom Brady, Randy Moss, 18-1.

Winner: The 49ers.

Christie Brinkley vs. Tyra Banks

Except for a wooden performance in Vacation, the Sports Illustrated cover girl knew that people wanted to ogle her, not listen to her emote. The same can't be said of Victoria's Secret's Banks, who once put on a fat suit and won't shut up about it.

Winner: Christie Brinkley

Smurfs vs. SpongeBob Squarepants

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Sponges reproduce asexually. Smurfs do not. In fact, they don't make babies at all. This keeps Smurfette busy.

Winner: Smurfs

The Buddy Cop Flick vs. The Bromance

Murtaugh and Riggs never had to say "I love you, man" to prove that they would take a bullet for each other. They took bullets. Seth Rogan and James Franco took bong hits and professed their man-love.

Winner: Buddy Cops

Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings

You know what makes Luke Skywalker cry? Losing his frikkin' hand. Frodo Baggins? Everything. Winner: Star Wars

Madonna vs. Madonna

There was a time when Madonna was a lace-wearing seductress with a bit of baby fat and a penchant for dry-humping the stage in a wedding dress. Now, she is a Kabbalah-practicing, workout anorexic with a fake British accent and a new name — Esther.

Winner: "Material Girl"-era Madonna

The 80s Issue


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