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The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We've added a cartoon and a little commentary. We've added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

A woman walking on Spring Street on Jan. 13 was verbally assaulted by a man on a bike, who said, "Look at Stacey's pussy ass sidekick." He then placed the butt of a gun on her chest and asked, "Are you scared?" He also said, "I'll get my sister to beat Stacey's ass and if you jump in, I'll shoot both of you with my gun." Dude, watch your ass — Stacey's mom has got it going on.

Suspect Nickname O'The Week:

Last week, someone made off with six pairs of $250-a-pair Jetlag jeans from a stylish King Street clothing store. Somewhere's there's a thief who looks fab-u-lous!!!

An 18-year-old girl walked out of a different hip and upscale King Street clothing shop on Jan. 14, setting off alarms due to the blue tank top and metal flask in her pocketbook. She walked back into the store, where she was later arrested for shoplifting. But the real crime here is that Urban Outfitters had the temerity to put "Save the Garden Theater" on its shopping bags. ¡Bastardos!

On Jan. 15, a Judith Street resident reported that security cameras at his house had caught a white male on tape entering his property on and apparently making off with his "mosquito magnet." Be on the lookout for a honky, scratching his ass off.

A man with only 65 cents in his pocket ordered and ate a $16 meal at a N. Market Street restaurant on Jan. 14. For dessert, he was served a heaping helping of a "defrauding an innkeeper" and a pair of matching silver bracelets.

On Jan. 13, an injured woman who had been admitted to a downtown hospital's emergency room punched and spat on one of the nurses helping her. When police showed up later to arrest the woman, who has a history of diabetes and heart-related problems, she was unconscious. (Pssst, lady — if you have problems with your ticker, don't hit or spit on nurses.)

A security guard at a Meeting Street grocery store noticed a large bulge in a man's jacket last week. After searching the suspected thief, the guard found two packs of boneless chuck roasts and one family pack of chicken wings. Considering that could be as much as 20 pounds of meat, not the most impressive piece of police work.

On Jan. 12, a Shadowmoss Parkway man walked outside his home to find his Jeep 4x4 dented, damaged, and covered in an unknown powder. Scrawlings in marker covered the vehicle, reading "I love cox," "fag bitch," and "never jack me again." The name "Brad" was also written in multiple locations on the Jeep. Oddly, the victim's name was not Brad.


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