Blotter: Taking the sideways bus 

All Aboard

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: An officer stopped to talk to a man who was sitting in paper hospital scrubs on a bus bench with an open container of beer. When the officer asked the man where he was going to take the bus, he said, "Uuuuhhhh, up, down, sideways, left, right? Who knows?"

After a police officer searched a man's vehicle and found a prescription bottle containing white powder, the man told the officer, "I hope that it's not cocaine." Well, one can always hope.

When an officer caught a man drinking malt liquor in a public park one afternoon, the man said he was just trying to have a drink because his boss hadn't shown up for work.

A man got arrested for trespassing at a fast food restaurant and returned the following night and locked himself in the bathroom. You want fries with that repeat offense?

A man discovered that someone had raised his pickup truck on a car jack and loosened one of the lug nuts on the driver-side front tire.

Weapon o' the Week: A skateboard.

Somebody entered the crawlspace under a house that was being renovated, broke into the house through a hole in the floor, and stole thousands of dollars worth of power tools that were being stored inside.

A woman parked her car at her apartment complex overnight, and when she walked out to drive to work in the morning, she discovered someone had made a dent in her vehicle and left a note on the windshield that said, "Dear Asshole! There is no other parking at night! Thanks for taking 2 spots Enjoy the ding I left in your right door! -Love, other residene [sic]."

Constitutional Scholar o' the Week: An officer pulled a man over for improper lane usage and ended up finding two grams of weed and $1,000 cash in his pockets. The man then said, "I'm in the process of changing my nationality." Asked to clarify what he meant, he said, "Sovereign citizen," and added that he did not need a driver's license under the U.S. Constitution. "The United States is a racket, and you are the militia," he added. The officer cited and released him for simple possession.

Somebody spray-painted the letters LBC on the side of someone's house. The homeowner has no idea what it stands for. Lame Banal Crime?

An officer watched two men play-fighting with each other in a park until things got serious and the men started yelling at each other. One of the play-fighters got angry when the cop asked to see some identification and yelled, "I don't have to give you my fucking ID!" The officer ended up arresting him on a public drunkenness charge.

Endorsement Deal o' the Week: A man responded to an ad on Craigslist that claimed he could earn $300 a week for allowing an energy drink company to place an advertising wrap on his vehicle. Somehow the scammer who'd posted the ad convinced his mark to wire $1,500 to him. The endorsement deal never happened.

A restaurant employee was taking trash out into an alley when he caught some juveniles shooting dice and throwing around money. What decade is this? Don't they have videogames to play?

Dispatchers received several calls about a shirtless, shoeless man who was yelling and banging on doors at 3 a.m. for no apparent reason. They found him on the third floor of a parking garage, still shirtless and shoeless and yelling. The man said he didn't know how he ended up there and that he was "afraid of parking garages." Officers noted that he smelled like alcohol.

Somebody visited a gift shop and shoplifted a refrigerator magnet with the "Don't Tread on Me" Gadsden Flag design on it.

Police responded to a report of a disturbance at a liquor store and found a homeless man sitting out front. The man stood up and took off running. As the officers chased him, they saw him try to conceal something in his shorts. When they finally caught up to him, he was holding a long knife in his hand, and one of the cops said, "We are not going to do this anymore. You are about to get tazed." The man tossed the blade toward the officers, and they temporarily detained him before letting him go without charges.


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