Blotter: Star-Spangled Slicker 

Patriot Rains

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Steve Stegelin

Stolen Item o' the Week: One man called police to report that his American flag umbrella had been stolen by a friend. According to the incident report, the umbrella held a "significant sentimental value" for the man who cannot be accused of a lack of patriotism.

Late one night, police received a report of an unconscious man asleep on a sidewalk. The officer arrived to find the man lying face down on the ground with his pants around his ankles and his buttocks exposed. Police questioned the man once he regained consciousness. The man was unable to tell officers where he was from, and when asked what year it was, he said, "Barack Obama."

A bartender approached an officer on foot patrol one evening to report that two disorderly patrons had thrown a drink in her face and began fighting with a bouncer when they were asked to leave. The men were seen speeding off on a moped as the officer arrived, but their great escape would be short-lived. When apprehended later that evening, one of the men asked the officers for medical assistance due to injuries sustained when he wrecked his getaway vehicle.

After shoplifting a six-pack, one man decided it was time to go grab a slice. Police tracked him down outside a pizza place where he was enjoying a beer. When officers searched the man, they found someone else's wallet in his possession. The man said he had just stumbled across the wallet in the street, but that didn't stop him from using a stranger's credit card to buy dinner.

A woman continued to receive calls and texts from her ex-boyfriend several weeks after the two split. One day while waiting in her car at a traffic light, the woman was surprised by a knock at her car window. She looked over to find her ex who suggested they meet up later.

One man called police to report that his plastic bag full of coins had been stolen while he was downtown. According to an incident report, the man was sleeping outside and awoke just in time to see the suspect grab the coins and run. The officer noted in his report that the victim smelled of alcohol and was slurring his words. The coins were valued at $20.

Police were called to a downtown restaurant regarding an intoxicated college student who was arguing with staff. When asked for ID, the young man handed over two fakes. He told officers that he needed both because he was rushing a fraternity and it was one of his requirements as a pledge.

One man claims he was assaulted by the staff of a downtown bar late one night. According to an incident report, the victim was in the restroom when someone began pounding on the door and said, "Last call, get the fuck out of the bathroom." When he opened the door, the man says he was grabbed by a bouncer and bartender who held his arms while the manager struck him in the face.

Around dinnertime, an officer was flagged down by restaurant staff after a man approached the front of the building and began to unzip his pants. The man went on to urinate in full view of customers who didn't know they'd be getting dinner and a show.

An intoxicated woman was pulled over by police after making a few detours through several of her neighbors' front yards. According to the incident report, the driver spent 10 minutes searching for her vehicle registration, which was in her hand the entire time.

A man woke up on the wrong side of the bench after an officer found him asleep at a bus stop. According to an incident report, the man told the officer to do her "fucking job" and write him a ticket so he could be on his way.

A woman called police after receiving 26 voicemails from her ex-boyfriend over the span of two days. In a perfect example of someone not getting the message, the former boyfriend texted his ex to say, "LOL you really crack me up" after she got the police involved.

A grocery store manager spotted a man filling his pockets with several bottles of body wash and deodorant from the soap aisle. Officers arrived to find the bath-time bandit had made a clean getaway.

While searching for two suspects who committed a hit and run and fled into the woods, an officer came across a barefoot man walking along the side of the road during the storm of the century. The officer noted in the incident report that the man smelled of the marsh and appeared intoxicated. His accomplice was later found by police. He told the officer that his friend had just dropped him off in the rain and he was walking the rest of the way home. Prior to being taken into custody, the man told the officer, "I had way too much to drink and have to piss."


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