Blotter: Social distortion 

Sliding into the KOs

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: A high school social media fight reached its tipping point when the school's resource officer found both students fighting on the ground. Our moral opposition to the term "catfight" is outweighed by the fact that they were literally on the floor.

When approached by an officer, a disoriented man lying on the steps of a local college in the middle of the night pointed to the library and said he would just make his way into "the house." We fully expect this to become a daily occurrence as finals approach.

A man broke into a James Island home and stole a computer, a 52-inch TV, prescription pills, and a $100 kitchen knife, presumably because he needed something to cook with before popping a few downers and enjoying his new media center.

A "visibly pregnant" woman stole 220 pairs of panties, valued at more than $3,000, from a sales floor display. We're sure she'll make some guy on a pay-per-view cam site very, very happy.

Three women walked out of a Victoria's Secret with a PINK floral hoodie, three sweatshirts, and three pairs of sweatpants. All of this points to what must be a very interesting low-budget theater production of Legally Blonde.

A "loud and boisterous" woman was loitering outside of a dollar store and attempting to unlock a stranger's bike. Sadly for her, the officer recognized her from a similar disorderly incident just 30 minutes earlier.

In a sign of the times, a man was arrested for disorderly conduct after trying to enter a stopped Uber. The level of intoxication that it takes to forget that modern cabs are ordered and not hailed is arguably admirable.

A guy with shoulder-length hair wearing CofC merch stole about $35 worth of products from a head shop. Heads up to any college readers: you may come across a student with equipment far too sophisticated given the circumstances.

Less than a month after the release of the iPhone 8, a man reported his phone as having been stolen from his car. In a case study of the dangers of false equivalence, the man also felt the need to tell officers that some spare change was taken too.

A woman missed a stop sign on Morrison Drive. While she was searching for her license, the officer asked to look into her car only to find a blunt inside of a bible on the passenger seat. That's one way to feel closer to God.

A man followed a female college student as she walked home and asked her if she "wanted to make some money." He quickly recoiled and got back in his car when she told him to "fuck off" and threatened to punch him. Probably not the happy ending he was expecting, but a happy ending nonetheless.

A man on James Island was arrested for crack possession after looking over his shoulder at officers many times, walking faster and faster, and patting his pockets. We're not exactly experts on the ins-and-outs of the cocaine base biz, but remaining calm seems like it would be fairly high on the list.

When a towing yard employee saw that the same man who had stolen from him before was back, he closed the gates in an attempt to trap him and his vehicle inside. The tire thief yelled "you ain't getting me" before driving through the closed gate and escaping. He wasn't kidding.

When a man found out that a Verizon account had been opened under his name, he texted the number. He received a reply saying, "You must be whose identity I used." Honest and knows the difference between who's and whose? We might need that number too.


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