Blotter: Naked rants for Jesus 

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: A man stripped naked in the parking lot of his apartment complex, reached his arms out, and began to "rant about Jesus Christ," according to an incident report.

A woman who had recently consumed a large amount of LSD tried to fight her way out of an ambulance, telling police that she had multiple needles in her feet.

After being asked by police to move on, a loiterer informed officers that the world was doomed and they needed to read the Book of Revelation. If the loiterer is lucky, maybe the world will end before his upcoming court date.

Officers spotted a rowdy bar patron wrestling with security staff. By the time he reached the exit, the man's shirt was ripped and his pants were resting down around his ankles.

Someone used a counterfeit $20 bill to pay their way into a high school basketball game, which is no way to support the home team.

Two women exchanged a series of Snapchat messages in reference to one of the women allegedly having sex with the other's ex-boyfriend. Among the messages were a photograph of one woman's butt along with the message "Come beat my ass, sweetheart." The two later encountered one another in a public park, at which time one woman says she was punched in the face several times.

A man attempted to shoplift two bags of "meat product" valued at $45. After he was caught by store security, the man refused to hand over his driver's license, saying, "F you, I'm not giving you my ID." Believing the man was reaching into his jacket for a weapon, a security guard pulled his pistol on the man, who dropped the goods and fled.

Two men began fighting after one man asked if he could "grab your wife's pussy" in exchange for Tic Tacs. Before resorting to fisticuffs, the man explained that it was a joke, and he was merely quoting our current president. For some reason, the other man still took offense to his very diplomatic colleague's comments.

A man was spotted sitting on the sidewalk with a drink in hand one afternoon. When asked by police if he was drinking alcohol, the man replied that he was drinking his "first 40 ounce of the day."

Police have been notified of the increased use of fake IDs from Rhode Island by local students. Who knew so much trouble could be blamed on such a small state.

While cleaning, hotel staff found a 23-gram bag of cocaine that a former guest had left behind in a desk drawer. Remember people, always tip your maid.

A woman is suspected of stealing bronzer and something called "Juicy Desire" from a tanning salon. The missing items were valued at $255.

A woman attempting to pay for two bottles of water and a can of Copenhagen was informed that the convenience store does not accept $100 bills during the late-night shift. The woman replied, "That is not my problem," before grabbing the items and walking out of the store.

A former sushi chef violated his restraining order by showing up at his old job and demanding the $110,000 he says he's owed in unpaid wages. Sounds like the sushi chef really got the raw end of that deal.

An intoxicated man with blood streaming down his face was stopped by police as he exited a downtown bar. The man, along with several witnesses, said he had sustained the injuries when he was jumping up and down in the club and slipped. The man was detained until medical help could arrive. He reportedly became very upset on the way to the hospital, shouting, "My dad is going to have your job" and "My dad runs this state. You're fucked," according to an incident report.

An intoxicated man was found banging on his ex-girlfriend's front door late one evening, yelling her name. The man told police that he wasn't allowed in because his "ex-girlfriend's sister does not like him." Maybe also because it was 2 a.m., he was drunk, and she is his ex-girlfriend.


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