Blotter: I'd like to report a mugging 

No Looking Back

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: A dishwasher at a downtown café walked into the main lobby and struck a fellow employee in the head with two branded mugs in front of customers and other employees. We're guessing he's off for the rest of the week.

A man showed up at City Hall after calling and saying he was "the mayor of Toronto." Mayor Tecklenburg had to clarify to his assistant that he would not be seeing him. Authorities transported the man to a hospital for a mental health evaluation after he claimed to be both the mayor of Charleston and Donald Trump.

Three men entered a convenience store on Daniel Island and began "humping" the custodian on duty without consent. In a disorienting turn of events, they then looked for items, paid for them, and exited the store as if nothing had happened.

An officer approached a man he knew from multiple encounters to ask what was in his front pocket. The man replied, "open container," in what we can only imagine is the most "been there, done that" tone ever recorded.

A woman at Publix found that her shopping experience was not a pleasure when she realized she was missing her wallet at the register. She later remembered that she had been distracted when helping a woman read bread descriptions on a low shelf.

A couple's fight reached its breaking point when the woman took a brick and shattered her boyfriend's rearview mirror with it. There's no looking back from here.

This week in Victoria's Secret thefts: 12 pink and green T-shirts, a pair of black velvet pants, six pants labeled "Bling," and five yoga pants. We've upped the ante from low-budget to medium-budget Legally Blonde theater production. Check your local listings.

A man found his roommate unconscious on his floor. The roommate had recently broken up with his girlfriend and told officers that he didn't want to "deal with it anymore." Fortunately, he had only taken enough muscle relaxants to induce a deep sleep and not an Elizabethan end to life.

A mother became distraught when she found out that her 15-year-old daughter had been spending time with a former teacher. To make matters worse, it turns out the teacher might be responsible for a DSS claim against the mom. Basically Romeo & Juliet, if Romeo was a pedophile and the poison was a child services complaint.

A man entered a Circle K, headed straight for the cooler, and walked out with three cases of beer valued at $62. It takes real confidence to know that you're broke and still feel the urge to stock up.

An altercation ensued when a cab driver refused to stop his car to let a passenger with no money out of the vehicle. The driver drew his firearm and they both exchanged insults, telling an officer different stories. When camera footage from inside the cab confirmed the cabbie's story, both men were let go, with the passenger not held responsible for any kind of payment. This is the first time this writer isn't leaving the police department with a strong craving for Lexapro.

A middle school student admitted to an officer that he bought two grams of pot from a classmate in exchange for two Powerade drinks. Vending machine Powerades are $1.50 each, which means this sly fox scored two grams for $3 and now we're too indignant to compile the rest of this page.

In more broken glass drama: A man became irate when his child's mother refused to let him see her. He said he wasn't "talking to his daughter through the fucking window" and shattered it with his fist. Late disclaimer: the Blotter may be traumatic if you suffer from the condition of being a woman on Earth.

A man entered a Wraggborough restaurant where his girlfriend worked to ask her for money. When the manager of the establishment asked the man to leave, the man swung at the manager and missed. Officers located the man when he "emerged from shrubbery" nearby, drunk and disheveled.


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