Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Terrace Theater presents 'RBG: An intimate portrait of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg'

"All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks"

Posted by Connelly Hardaway on Wed, May 23, 2018 at 10:01 AM

PROVIDED
  • Provided
Terrace Theater, along with JCC Filmfest and the South Carolina Women Lawyers Association, presents a documentary that Time Out calls "fierce and unexpectedly romantic." That film is RBG: An Intimate portrait of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Head to the Terrace on Thurs. May 31 at 7 p.m. for a screening of the film, followed by a Q&A with local attorneys offering personal insight on Ginsburg's impact on their lives and in the world.

There seems no better time than the present to celebrate Ginsburg's accomplishments as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. The woman, known for her tenacity, — even earning the nickname Notorious RBG — has been a huge force in the women's rights movement, authoring important court opinions (including 1996's United States v. Virginia, which struck down VMI's male-only admissions policy as violating the 14th amendment), and standing as a role model for aspiring female lawyers and activists everywhere.

This film is presented as part of the Charleston Jewish Community Without Walls' Filmfest, an ongoing series of films and cultural events. Terrace also has showings beginning Friday and running through Thurs. May 31, tickets are available online.


Event Details JCC Filmfest: An Intimate Portrait of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
@ Terrace Theater
1956 Maybank Highway
James Island
Charleston, SC
When: Thu., May 31, 7 p.m.
Price: $12.50
Film + Radio

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Friday, May 18, 2018

Confessions of a Southern Charm Newbie: A Deadman’s Party

Season 5, Episode 7

Posted by Dustin Waters on Fri, May 18, 2018 at 3:27 PM

Ashley always smiles as if she’s trying to hide a fart. - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • Ashley always smiles as if she’s trying to hide a fart.

Hello everyone, welcome back to the dark underbelly of the mundane. Oops, I mean Southern Charm. This week's episode begins with what most likely an accidental montage depicting our collective efforts to sidestep the inevitable decay that surrounds us. Chelsea heads to the gym, Shep pulls Solo cups from the dishwasher and Naomie slices open a grapefruit only to find it rotting from the inside. It’s Un Chien Andalou up in here with all the symbolism.

Saving the environment two Solos at a time - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • Saving the environment two Solos at a time

Finally, we find Cameran, representing birth and renewal, sitting in the nursery of her soon-to-be-born child. As she debates whether or not newborns need bibs, Cameran calls her mother and reveals that she has been experiencing cramps all morning. Not quite ready for her grandchild to be born a toilet baby, Cameran's mom says she may already be in the early stages of labor.

Cameran finishes packing her bags for the hospital and realizes that this is possibly the last time she'll be in her home without a child. This would be a great opportunity to take one last look at all your nice things with well-rested eyes before an illiterate little skin monster completely upsets your way of life, capitalizing on some prehistoric emotional connection to forever borrow money and eat all your food. By this, I mean congratulations.

We then meet Kathryn at the gym as she joins Chelsea and a young woman who we learn to be both Chelsea's roommate and trainer. What fresh hell that must be? To live with your trainer.

Also, I really like that everyone dresses in form-fitting superhero costumes to go to the gym these days, and all gyms look like salvage yards on the inside. Everyone's just dragging old chains from cargo ships around and swinging two-by-fours at trash cans. It reminds me of those "junk playgrounds" they opened in Wales where they just allow angry teens to batter everything in sight until they regain control over their impulses. The only difference is American gyms charge you hundreds of dollars punch Stop signs whereas in the UK all you need is a tetanus shot.

Struggling to make it through the routine set out by Chelsea and the fresh-faced trainer, Kathryn begins to lament how her body has changed as she's grown older. Immediately following their workout, Kathryn confides in Chelsea, saying that she is looking for a way to combat her loneliness. This is followed by an awkward explanation of how she and Thomas continue to flirt with each other in some sort of hellish power struggle.

Chelsea says that the best revenge is to "get a bangin' body." This is, of course, fine advice. There's nothing wrong with being healthy, but maybe don't worry so much about repainting the house when the inside is infested with termites. Anyway, as Chelsea tells Kathryn that exercise will solve all her problems, a gasping, emaciated fairy struggles to stay aloft over Kathryn's shoulder.

"Exercise is great. *Cough cough* But don't forget to focus on your mental well-being," says the fairy as Kathryn hits a tire with a sledgehammer and calls it a "Bitch."

‘There is nothing deeper to this. No underlying anger or resentment.’ - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘There is nothing deeper to this. No underlying anger or resentment.’

Continuing the theme of physical fitness, we then join Austen and Craig as they meet up in a park to go for a jog. Craig proceeds to say hello to every single dog he passes. This is fine because it is what you should do anyway.

Austen explains that he and a woman named Victoria have rekindled their romance. As viewers, we haven't formally been introduced to Victoria, but she is Chelsea's former friend who Austen began dating as he courted Chelsea, thus dooming their relationship. I often forget just how elaborate the cast is on Southern Charm. There are dozens of characters, each with their own elaborate backstory. Each episode is like Avengers: Infinity War, except in the case of Southern Charm you're actively rooting for half the universe to be wiped from existence.

Next we find Naomie and her roommate Wilson doing a bit of housekeeping. Wilson asks if they have an iron, so that he can iron the hand towels in the kitchen. This is a good idea, because you definitely want the filthiest thing in your house to hang neatly.

Coming through with an incredible lifehack, Naomie shows Wilson how she irons the hand towels with her hair-straightener. This is a novel idea, but then Naomie pulls out her very nice flatiron – it's a CHI! – and starts going to town on some towels in the slowest manner possible. This scene is capped off by Wilson saying that Naomie only showers three times a week. Cool.

That’s a CHI, y’all. - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • That’s a CHI, y’all.

Next we pop over to Shep's place, where showers occur every time he falls asleep near the encroaching tide. Shep calls up his dad and explains how his real estate investments are paying off. This scene will work great in a time capsule when we need to prove to future generations that people actually owned their own homes at one time. The kids will say, "Oh, that sounds great," but then future us will reply, "Yeah, but everybody also shot each other constantly."

Anyway, to wrap things up, Shep explains that he can do whatever he wants and still make plenty of money, so I guess he just sits around collecting Pogs or investing in electric scissors. I like to think of Shep as the Elon Musk of the "As Seen on TV" crowd.

Speaking of wealth, we then join Patricia as she arrives at the fancy department store where Kathryn recently interviewed for a job as – I don't know – "Store Kathryn" or something. We soon learn that Thomas' new girlfriend Ashley is on her way and this is some Pygmalion, My Fair Lady experiment to makeover Ashley into a Southern debutante.

As Patricia explains, this involves not showing off too much decolletage and wearing nothing too "short up to the Mason-Dixon Line." Patricia follows this up by saying, "If you know what I mean." Yes, Patricia. You mean vagina. Which, if we're comparing lines of demarcation, is more a Prime Meridian than anything. This is why I always tell folks to set their watches to Greenwich Mean Time when they go out looking for love.

Genitals aside, Ashley arrives and begins trying on the nicest clothes you can imagine as Patricia sips champagne. Patricia then sits Ashley down and starts pressing her on when she'll marry Thomas. In a hopeful turn, Patricia then segues into asking when Ashley will resume her career. Coming from a medical background in California, Ashley says she needs to go through the licensing process in South Carolina.

This is great advice from Patricia. Do get a job. That is a good thing to do. I mean, what can Ashley stand to gain by completely relying on Thomas for everything? Oh. This.

The very next thing we see is Ashley charging more than $10,000 in clothing to Thomas' account. "That's so much money," I say to myself as I walk out into the front yard and claw at the earth with my hands.

"Well," I think, dropping into the fresh pit and pulling mounds of cool dirt onto myself, "At least, I know I earned everything I got."

Jumping ahead, we join Chelsea as she calls up her brother on the phone. To be honest, he sounds great. He sounds like he has a fish hook on his Cabela's cap and a Skoal ring on his back pocket. Right off the bat, he says he's "Drinking a little rum at the tiki bar." Damn, man, you get it. Cheeseburger in paradise, and all that.

Chelsea explains that Cameran called her to say she was having contractions. In so many words, Chelsea's brother basically says, "Shit, she been pregnant for 23 months. What she having, an elephant?"

This is the point where Chelsea delivers a big exposition dump, saying she and Shep are planning to take the cast to Hilton Head for a vacation in a future episode.

Now it's time for "Guys' Dinner: Part One" with Shep, Whitney, and Thomas. Thomas always enters these dinner scenes like he needs guardrails lining his way. I always expect him to answer the waiter by reciting the alphabet backwards. To put it another way, Christmas mornings probably start later each year for Thomas and the family.

Anyway, Thomas says that he missed his Uber because he was talking to a woman who is friends with his girlfriend, Ashley. Pressed by Whitney on his relationship with Ashley, Thomas says that they have the same problems he has while with every girlfriend: "You can't date."

‘It’s fine if we all laugh. If we all laugh, it’s just a joke and not something hateful.’ - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘It’s fine if we all laugh. If we all laugh, it’s just a joke and not something hateful.’

The problem with this is not that Thomas thinks this is a funny – and true – thing to say. The problem is that everyone else at the table throws their heads back laughing along with what is a truly disturbing way of thinking. The conversation then veers in and out of being your usual gross discussion of sexual scorekeeping – all the while, Thomas looks like a Winklevoss twin that was left out in the sun for too long. As with most talk of this nature, there is more heat than light. And the world is a darker place for it.

Moving on, we learn that Kathryn got an internship at her friend's department store. While I could never understand the world of women's fashion, I do know one thing: There should be more pockets. And not just those little matchbox pockets that you can't even fit your cellphone in. I'm talking deep, wide pockets that could fit a soup can.

Arriving at her new place of employment, Kathryn is given a styling exercise. She is provided a customer profile and must assemble a new set of outfits for this fictional shopper. Looking past my demands for soup-can pockets, Kathryn meanders around the store recounting her past employers before presenting a fresh wardrobe for a woman who doesn't exist. She does a fine job, her manager friend tells her, but should think outside the box a bit more. Not such a bad outing for her first day, I guess. Maybe they also showed Kathryn how to operate a cash register, handle put-backs, or hose down the changing rooms before closing.

Powering through a mighty boring conversation between Austen and possible romantic interest Victoria, they spend four hours ordering dinner before quickly cementing their love for one another. Moving on.

It's now dinner party time at Patricia's and there are homemade fortune cookies. This is apparently her annual "all-male" dinner wherein she joins the men in her life for what is sure to be a treat for the ages. Thomas arrives and immediately sticks his dick in the sugar bowl. Austen shows up and orders a drink. Then J.D. runs in looking like he just got back from a Little Rascals audition. This is like Thanksgiving if the only guests were your drunk uncles and cousins' new boyfriends dressed in worse and worse outfits.

‘My mom said I could come to the party if I quit stealing crabapples from Old Man Gregory’s yard.’ - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘My mom said I could come to the party if I quit stealing crabapples from Old Man Gregory’s yard.’

Starting things off, Thomas explains that he had an argument with his girlfriend the previous night and threatened to send her back to California. Thomas goes on to say that he doesn't like to be controlled by women because he has all the power and wealth in what is likely a piece of footage that would play poorly in court.

Soon dinner is served and all the men at the table acknowledge that none are in serious relationships. Patricia begins to recount an article she read about gender politics. Now get this, women have apparently "ruined their possibilities for getting married because they act like wives without any of the commitment from men," Patricia explains. The good thing about this summary is that we've found a way to blame women early on. That is always the first step in any meaningful solution. Next, let's examine how we as men can make up for what ultimately reverts back to Eve's original sin.

Thomas starts referencing "spinster farms" and asks why "we can't marry as many women as we can afford." This is healthy discourse. Awesome. As talk of establishing polygamist communes begins to heat up, the fortune cookies are delivered to the table. Since none of these fortunes say, "You will succumb to the Morning Drip before the next harvest," they are best left ignored.

Asked about his intentions to marry his girlfriend, Thomas accidentally mixes up Kathryn's name with Ashley's and everyone at the table puffs up like this is the first faux pas of the evening. If you're wondering how this can get worse, here ya go.

The look of a man wondering if you’ll accept his wedding proposal after he’s tied you to a set of train tracks. - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • The look of a man wondering if you’ll accept his wedding proposal after he’s tied you to a set of train tracks.

A following evening, we join Kathryn and Thomas as they sit down for a nice dinner together. Kathryn voices how disturbed she was by a recent photo that Thomas posted online of he and their children with his new girlfriend. Kathryn says this looked like a family photo because, well, it is. Families have the habit of breaking up and reforming with other people added to the mix. Really, it is a huge confusing mess. But a lot of times, it's for the best. Surely, that will be the conclusion to this evening's meal. Whelp, kind of. Thomas halfway suggests they get back together, but Kathryn, the newfound voice of reason, says let's just be friends.

Also, Cameran still hasn't had her baby. See you next week.

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Thursday, May 17, 2018

Catch a creepy Mrs. Claus, looney lunch ladies, and a haunted video game at the Crimson Screen film fest

Things that go bump in Park Circle

Posted by Connelly Hardaway on Thu, May 17, 2018 at 1:01 PM

PROVIDED
  • Provided
First thing's first: Tickets for this year's Crimson Screen Horror Film Fest, which kicks off next Fri. May 25, are sold out. Bummer, I know. The good news is that there is a slight chance you can still snag tickets — just show up to the screening you're interested in, and if there are seats available, you can purchase one of a limited number of daily seat tickets. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, on to the good stuff: The scary flicks.

The fifth annual Crimson Screen Horror Film Fest features 61 horror films from all over the world, including 10 feature films and 51 shorts, which fall under the categories of documentary, thriller, animation, comedy, WTF?, shocker, and foreign. Attendees are encouraged to dress in costume to walk the dREaD carpet.

In a press release festival founder Tommy Faircloth says, "We are excited to also shine a special spotlight on our South Carolina Filmmakers. We are hosting three world premieres of SC-produced features films, Livescream, Bobby, and What Becomes of Us."

livescream.jpg
Feature films include:
Livescream: Get it? Like a take on livestream? This world premiere, S.C.-produced flick is about a popular video game streamer who accidentally starts playing a haunted game — with deadly consequences.

Bong of the Living Dead: If the title doesn't give it away, this scary film (which we assume has got to be pretty funny, too) is about five friends who share a love of pot and a dream to see the zombie apocalypse become a reality. Us too, us too.

Stirring: The bad guy in this movie is Mrs. Claus. That's right, co-eds attending an Xmas party at a sorority house are stalked by a killer disguised as Santa's missus.

Shorts include:
Skin Baby: A tattoo comes to life. Need we say more?

Lunch Ladies: "Two burned out high school lunch ladies do whatever it takes on their quest to become Johnny Depp's personal chefs."

I Baked Him A Cake: Clocking in at five minutes, this flick promises to "subvert the typical paradigm" of how women are portrayed in horror films. Sign us up.

Check out the full film schedule online.
Event Details Crimson Screen
@ South of Broadway Theatre Company Studios
1080 E. Montague Ave.
North Charleston
Charleston, South Carolina
When: May 25-27
Price: $20/day of *if available*
Film + Radio and Festivals + Events

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Monday, May 14, 2018

Watch S.C. native Chadwick Boseman deliver the Howard University commencement speech

"Everything that you fought for was not for yourself, it was for those that come after."

Posted by Sam Spence on Mon, May 14, 2018 at 1:58 PM


S.C. native Chadwick Boseman delivered the commencement speech at Howard University in Washington, D.C. over the weekend.

The Anderson, S.C. native who trained in the fine arts at Howard and became a professional actor, ultimately being cast as the title star of Marvel's Black Panther franchise, encouraged the grads of his alma mater to use their "intellectual and spiritual journey" at Howard to seek out challenges ahead of them.

"What do you do when the principles and standards that were instilled in you here at Howard close the doors in front of you?" Bozeman asked the graduates of the historically black university. "Take the harder way, the more complicated one, the one with more failures at first than successes ... then you will not regret it."

Boseman has appeared in the two highest-grossing movies in 2018, Black Panther and Avengers: Infinity War which have completely dominated at the box office, accounting for nearly $3 billion in worldwide ticket sales.

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Friday, May 11, 2018

Confessions of a Southern Charm Newbie: Soft openings for everyone

Season 5, Episode 6

Posted by Dustin Waters on Fri, May 11, 2018 at 3:22 PM

Brought to you by Terrible Phone Faces - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • Brought to you by Terrible Phone Faces

Welcome back for another recap of Southern Charm, which is like the game Clue. But the only mystery is who is the grossest human being imaginable.

In a surprise twist, this week's episode begins with the trill of a cellphone only to be followed by the voice of Cameran's husband, Jason. Up to this point, he has done a remarkable job of not really appearing on the show, which is the nicest compliment I can pay someone. It seems with this partial appearance that Jason has negotiated his way to just being the Charlie to Cameran's Angels and appear as nothing more than a voice on the other end of the line.

Fresh from a doctor's visit, Cameran informs her husband that she has a very "stubborn cervix" and doctors may decide to induce labor next week. A stubborn cervix is a complex medical diagnosis not to be confused with an "obstinate uterus" or "recalcitrant vulva."

Cameran then reminds her husband not to be one of "these guys" who say "We are in labor," while their partners are heaving a child out of their bodies. Good note, Cameran. If you ever hear a man say something like that, ask to see his episiotomy scar and chapped nipples.

Moving on from one woman driving around on the phone to another woman driving around on the phone, we find Kathryn calling up the owner of a fancy department store to ask for a job. Listing her qualifications, she adds that she has shopped in their store a lot. This is like saying you would make an excellent doctor because you are sick constantly.

"Hello ma'am, what qualifies you to be a dentist?"

"Well, I have more teeth than the average human being. A troubling amount more. I can floss with a comb."

Anyway, the store owner, who has known Kathryn for quite some time, eventually agrees to a meeting to discuss her occupational future. I like how Kathryn's job hunt doesn't include looking for businesses that are actually hiring. It's like calling up Disney and asking to make the next Avengers movie because you enjoy the taste of popcorn.

‘Hire Me!’ as I drive with no hands on the steering wheel - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘Hire Me!’ as I drive with no hands on the steering wheel

Next we see Naomie visiting her father at the site of his future restaurant. They immediately launch right into a lot of French. And let me tell you, it is bon as hell. I would love for more shows to shift wildly from one language to the next. Sure, Naomie and her dad are just discussing moving a table, but it sounds like they are talking about moving a French table – which is, let me check, une table. Hmm. I was hoping that would be a bit more exotic, but it's not. It's just the same word pronounced in cursive or whatever.

Anyway, Naomie and her dad have a little tête-à-tête to discuss the upcoming soft open of the new restaurant, which in French would be called a … dammit, it's restaurant. Are languages even different anymore? Did the Tower of Babel mean nothing?

Moving on, we join Craig and Austen for a few beers. They begin to discuss Naomie's full-on verbal attack on Peyton from last episode. Craig seems relieved to not be at the center of the whole Naomie storm for once. Then the show does that thing where they cut between two separate conversations where all those involved are discussing the same topic. In this case, we get a whole Rashomon take on what went down between Naomie and Peyton during last week's Halloween Party. Austen paints Naomie as an unhinged madwoman and Peyton as an innocent newcomer. Naomie on the other hand, tells her father that she was simply trying to protect her friends from being taken advantage of by Peyton, although Naomie does admit that she said some very mean things.

Naomie's dad responds by saying that life is about "being nice to everybody," which is a very nice thing to say, but also wrong.

Offering up a sharper piece of insight, Naomie's dad asks if her animosity toward Peyton is actually misdirected feelings that she has regarding her breakup with Craig. His final piece of advice is to apologize. Oh those French, they sure know the ways of the heart.

Back with Craig and Austen, they too feel that Naomie should apologize. Then out of nowhere, Austen's phone rings and it's Naomie.

Spit take. W-w-w-w-what?! This is a roller-coaster of emotional resolutions. First, we learn that Austen, Craig, and Naomie are directly across the street from each other. Then Naomie apologies and invites Austen and Naomie to the restaurant opening. Let me just tell you right now, this seems like it's going to blow up in everyone's faces, but our characters find another, more unexpected way, to look like asses at a formal gathering.

Continuing on the Austen track, we follow him into the Upstate to chase his dreams of making his own beer. Instead of actually crafting his own beer and making it in his garage, Austen decides to pay someone who knows what they're doing to do all the work for him. This is great because we get to meet with Brewmaster Thomas. Brewmaster Thomas seems real salt of the Earth. He's never met an old coffee can he didn't fill with bolts and screws. Brewmaster Thomas has a crisp $5 bill for you for your graduation. He did not waste time shopping for a card. Brewmaster Thomas has only ever killed out of necessity he says as he squints into the campfire, a lifetime of mistakes and second guesses written across his face.

Not to call out Brewmaster Thomas and the boys, but that is a well-stocked pill shelf in the background - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • Not to call out Brewmaster Thomas and the boys, but that is a well-stocked pill shelf in the background

Austen explains that his vision for a beer involves passion fruit and grapefruit — the two least accurately named fruits in existence. I can see the ad campaign for Austen Beer now: "Did you just brush your teeth? Then keep stepping." This is followed by the tagline: "Austen Beer. The second beer you should drink, first thing in the morning."

Austen then asks how much it will cost to brew his tart-ass beer. I was expecting this to be the deal-breaker portion of the episode, but Brewmaster Thomas says he can brew a test batch for $400. That's surprisingly affordable. Or at least, it's within the realm of possibility. I personally don't have $400. But I've heard of $400. I've heard of it.

Hopping back to Charleston, we join Shep and Cameran as they drive to lunch. Cameran asks if they can take a spin down "Labor Lane." I've never heard of this and neither has Shep. Luckily, Cameran is willing to explain that Labor Lane is actually a cobblestone street in downtown Charleston — officially known as Chalmers Street — that pregnant women in the 1800s would ride down to induce labor. And of course, where better to look to for medical advice than the 1800s.

Following orders, Shep careens recklessly down this historic thoroughfare as Cameran screams that she has peed herself. Ever the gentleman, Shep hands Cameran some napkins with which to clean herself up. All in all, this was a delightful scene. We could really use a show that incorporates old wives tales with someone soiling themselves. It could be called Pisstory and I could host it because I really need this job.

Continuing the theme of future plans, Craig drops by Patricia's house to discuss a possible business venture. This conversation begins with Patricia saying the wealthiest sounding thing I've ever heard — "I talked to the people who run my company" — followed by the most absurd thing I've ever heard — "We do high-end products covered in dogs and cats."

Patricia then offers to mass produce a pillow of Craig's design. Craig sees this as his big break, and it is. But also not really a big break he needs. Craig is doing alright. This just reminds me of the awkward brand of charity that exists on this show. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if the cast of Southern Charm donated a bunch of designer key holders to the homeless.

This is not what real life looks like - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • This is not what real life looks like

To set the ticking clock, Craig has two weeks to design prototypes of a dog or cat pillow. He begins to brainstorm, suggesting "partying dogs" (Spuds MacKenzie) but not a party involving alcohol (Not Spuds MacKenzie). Craig then proceeds to quickly stumble over his words as he describes his vision of a "cheeky" Palm Beach party scene involving dogs who are just "living their life." This, as compared to all those business-minded, workaday dogs that line Wall Street, anxiously barking into their hands-free headsets about the strength of the Yen.

Leading up to Kathryn's big job interview, she dresses in an all-black suit and reminds us that she hasn't had a job interview since she was in college. Unfortunately, I am not around to share some of my business pointers on how to nail a job interview.

First, maintain constant, unblinking eye contact the entire time. Second, spit in your palm before it's time to shake hands. When your future boss says, "Your hands are, umm, moist," you reply, "Yeah, well you know where I'm not wet? Behind the ears. I'm savvy and here to save you and your failing business from going to pot to complete idiot."

By this point, you've established control of the room. You've also covered the interviewer in a substantial amount of your DNA. Next, after faking your own death and framing the interviewer for your murder, you walk right into your new office the following morning with a completely new appearance. If anyone asks who you are, quickly reply that you're the new manager from district headquarters. And you're gonna shake things up around here. With that, you've Gone Girl'd your way into a new career.

‘Job. For me. Yes?’ - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘Job. For me. Yes?’

Kathryn does none of this during her job interview, instead choosing to clumsily stutter through a series of non-answers. Asked how she would handle stress, Kathryn mumbles that she "Doesn't know how to describe it" and dashes away for a glass of water. This is less than good. Of course, the best answer to this question is to ask the boss "How do you respond to stress?" as you drive a letter opener into your thigh. Again, it's vital that you maintain eye contact.

After taking a moment to gather herself, Kathryn is told that she'll hear from the department store owner soon. This means that she totally won't.

Skipping ahead, we get our first real scene with Thomas this episode. As Thomas is currently facing dual allegations of sexual assault, I kind of assumed that the production company would have made a few last-minute edits to exorcise him from this episode. Instead, we get an awkward conversation regarding trick-or-treating plans for Thomas and Kathryn's kids. This is not fun for anyone. Moving on.

Everyone slowly arrives as the soft opening of Naomie's dad's restaurant. This is rather boring, until Thomas responds to a simple compliment with a vile cultural lesson.

Kathryn says she likes Thomas' pocket square. He says in France, large pocket square were once indicative of men who had grown unsatisfied with their wives and taken other lovers. The large handkerchiefs, Thomas explains, would then be used to clean up after extramarital sex. Thomas then laughs the laugh of a toilet backing up, and we are left to wonder when all joy left the world.

A normal, human laugh - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • A normal, human laugh

Chelsea then arrives and immediately tries to start a fight between Austen and Shep, who are both hounding over her. Chelsea soon voices her displeasure that Austen is not willing to aggressively confront Shep at the formal opening of his friend's family's restaurant. Chelsea can also be found asking to borrow money at funerals and calling babies fat at their christening. I'm sorry, but I don't think you can goad everyone who likes you into behaving like toxic idiots toward each other, but then act surprised when that same negativity brushes off on you. That's like demanding a lover who is full of mystery and then asking for the passcode to their phone.

Providing another distraction, Peyton arrives and all the single men swoon. Naomie swallows her pride and some mixture of yellow cocktail and pulls Peyton aside to apologize. They bury the hatchet, acknowledging that women are super mean to each other. This is super true.

Seriously, I don't know why this is, but women can often name at least one specific work nemesis and it is always another woman. I have seen a woman legally change her first name because she didn't want to share a name with "Supervisor Cheryl."

As I watch this scene of Southern Charm, all I can think is "How can you hate another person so much when Thomas Ravenel is in the world?" He seems like the type of guy who lingers around mall food courts hoping to catch a glimpse of women breastfeeding. Thomas has a complete collection of those Big Johnson T-shirts that were popular in the 90s all in mint condition. Thomas Ravenel seems like the type of guy who has stopped telling many jokes because someone unexpectedly entered the room.

With our entire cast of characters sitting down to dinner, Austen takes the opportunity to bend Whitney's ear over his misgivings with Shep. Whitney, completely prepared to watch the world burn, says they might as well bring Shep over to hear this for himself. Whitney gives absolutely zero shits about all this, which may indicate that his time on our planet is coming to an end.

Shep and Austen quickly hash things out like adults, but Chelsea is disappointed that they didn't bare-knuckle box in a dirt parking lot or something. She voices her displeasure to the camera before Austen walks up to her seat and suggests they both leave together. To make this worse, he stands over her with his hands on her shoulders. Not to be the body language police, but maybe don't settle yourself on someone's shoulders from behind like a vulture before telling them that you should both leave together.

‘Love me!’ - BRAVO SCREENSHOT
  • Bravo Screenshot
  • ‘Love me!’

Chelsea immediately turns Austen down because she apparently only wants an angry bully who is only nice to her. Austen slinks back to his seat because he just wants, I don't know, a warm socket with the ability to consent. If only he could entice Chelsea with $400 worth of disgusting beer. Maybe that's what we'll find next episode.

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