Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Southern Charm S3 E1: Toasted toasts, headbutts, and babies

The tawdriness of T-Rav and his periwinkle dreams

Posted by Stephanie Barna on Tue, Apr 5, 2016 at 12:02 PM

click to enlarge Fucking periwinkle? Really Thomas?
  • Fucking periwinkle? Really Thomas?
We start this season with so many questions. Did T-Rav and Kathryn really have another baby? Will Shep ever grow up? Did Craig clean up his act? Does Landon still live on a boat? Just how much money does Patricia have? Is Cameran really married? And just how did T-Rav get that shiner? Will he ever get his shit together?

We get some answers right off the rip when T-Rav shows his ass at a dinner party. As a host, he drunkenly offers "wonderful words of wisdom" and then proceeds to eviscerate his guests. Shep: stop trying to fuck every girl in Charleston and get with Landon already. Cameran: you are a self-righteous, judgmental, sanctimonious bitch. Landon: I want you to stop being catty and start being friends with Kathryn.

You have to appreciate the dandy Cooper for trying to calm everyone down and showing some class despite being completely horrified at the lack of manners.

As the scene ends, we flashback to three months earlier. I love the narrative choice here. Let's just drop the viewer into the flames and then backtrack to see how we got to this point.

And then, another question answered: Landon lives in a cute little house! Good for her.

We see T-Rav sporting a shiner worthy of Ronda Rousey. Did Kathryn take her fist to his face? Or did he just get headbutted for being a drunken ass one night when he was out on the town? Oh, right

Craig, we quickly learn, has been living with mom and dad in Delaware and is doing the right thing. Interventions (and losing your job) work! He's living clean and loving life and packing up and moving back to Charleston to live with his girlfriend in her parents' waterfront home in West Ashley. Welcome back Craig. Beware the lure of King Street. 

Cut to Kathryn, who is indeed barefoot and pregnant and living at her parents' plantation in Moncks Corner. Apparently, it was a four-day weekend with T-Rav and God that led to her latest pregnancy. Thanks, God. 

Patricia gets the best edit on the show, thanks to it being produced by her devoted son — the dastardly Whitney. Seriously, this guy looks like a Bond villain. He and mom chitchat about living without her butler (oh, the horror) and trash talk about the trashy Kathryn and the tawdry T-Rav. Whitney's restaurant has failed, but he didn't care about that stupid restaurant anyway. What's 1.5 million bucks wasted? His mom's got that much money in Birkin bags and silk caftans. It's all pocket change to this spoiled brat. Sigh. 

Ah, now here's a good setup. Kathryn wonders why Patricia hates her so. I see a confrontation between these two on the horizon (claps hands with glee). 

Kathryn bemoans her fate as a wanton woman left to fend for herself despite having T-Rav's babies. Maybe she should have picked a better sugar daddy. T-Rav can barely muster the maturity to take care of himself much less a family and a crazy girl looking for a paycheck. I hate calling the girl a gold-digger, but cut to a scene back in Season One with T-Rav promising her his fortune if she has his baby, and it's hard not to draw that conclusion. 

It wouldn't be a Bravo reality show without a staged party to bring the cast together for awkwardness and drama.  

But wait, let's check out T-Rav's new abode. He's renovating a big historic home downtown and plans to paint baby Kensie's room periwinkle. Periwinkle. He really likes periwinkle. It's pretty. And he likes it. More on periwinkle in a bit.

It's time to party. Craig and his new gal hire go-to party planner Lawson Roberts (hi Lawson!) to prep their pad for a backyard soiree. The players gather and marvel at Craig's transformation into a Eurotrash Italian drug dealer (you need to see his outfit), and then we get a painfully awkward encounter between Kathryn and Thomas, and it's all about the periwinkle, which he is planning to paint the nursery after he had already decided on pink. What's with this periwinkle change? Who is helping him pick the periwinkle?

Wait! Landon is wearing a periwinkle dress. Is that some sort of code between her and Thomas, wonders Kathryn. I'm starting to worry about this girl's mental health. She's so high strung and paranoid. And she's really pissed off at T-Rav, who creepily touches her belly and looks like a proud grandpa, er, papa. Everything about these two just feels so wrong. But I have to agree with T-Rav on one thing, periwinkle is just better than pink.  

Stay tuned next week for Shep's women-juggling ways and Patricia's thoughts on courtship.   

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