Friday, December 13, 2013

Yes, Virginia, Santa Claus is white

... and so are a boatload of other fictional characters

Posted by Chris Haire on Fri, Dec 13, 2013 at 8:33 AM

Fox News' Megyn Kelly is a maroon. For starters, her name looks like something a caveman gynecologist would say when's he's trying to explain what he does for a living to Tarzan, Frankenstein's monster, and Tonto.

But that's neither here not there. The thing is, Kelly is right about one thing: Santa Claus is white. He's white in the stop-motion TV specials. He's white in Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause, and Silent Night, Deadly Night. He's white on the motherfucking Coca-Cola can.

However, some people are apparently having a hard time with this. In fact, they're actually kinda pissed off to learn that Santa Claus is white, but no matter how much they might wish otherwise, there's nothing they can do to change it. The same goes for Jesus too. (Yes, the Jewish-born Jesus likely sported markedly Middle Eastern features — tan skin, dark hair, etc. — but like other Jews, as well as Arabs, Persians, Indians, and Cracker Ass Crackers, Christ was a Caucasian. In other words, He was "white." There is no debate.)  

Some of these deniers have even gone as far as to say that since Santa is a fictional character, he can be any color. And they would be wrong. 

See, just because a fictional character is, well, fictional, that doesn't mean that we can go and change his or her race all willy-nilly like. Nope. Race matters, even in fiction. Santa is fixed to his race.

He's not alone. There's Oliver Twist, Peter Parker, Phillip Marlowe, Sam Spade, Scarlett O'Hara, Rhett Butler, Col. Kurtz, David Copperfield, Sherlock Holmes, Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Captain Janeway, Ahab, Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, Atticus Finch, Batman, the Flash, Wolverine, Professor X, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Magneto, King Arthur, Lancelot, Guinevere, Romeo and Juliet, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, the Duke Boys, Daisy Duke, Chief Brody, Neo, Dumbledore, Ron Weasely, Hermione, and Harry Fucking Potter, just to name a few.

Now, there are some exceptions.

Dr. Who, for instance, can be any race. Hell, he can be any species for that matter, earth-bound or otherwise.

Superman, alas, may have white skin, but he's not even human, and therefore, not a Caucasian, so no, he's not white.

Oh, and Spock — he's a Vulcan. 

Luke Skywalker — nope — not white either. In fact, as an alien, Luke likely has an entirely different genetic makeup than humans (Don't even get me started on what his genitalia might look like; his balls could be square and come with a retractable spittoon, for all we know.)

Wonder Woman? Sorry. She's an Amazonian — a race of demigods — so our standards of race do not apply to her either.

Finally, there's Frodo Baggins and his hobbit friends. Once again, their skin may be pale, but as a completely different species from you and I, they are not and can never be "white."

But Santa. Yeah, that dude is straight up honky.

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