We'll be blunt: As reporters, we're pleased as punch that Mark Sanford is running for Tim Scott's newly vacated seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. As South Carolinians, not so much. Then again, after looking at the host of yahoos that have entered the race, we hate to say it, but it's pretty damn clear that the Luv Guv is the best of the bunch — despite all of his horribly embarrassing flaws, which we know all too well. Take the quiz below to gauge your knowledge of all things Sanfraud.
1. What were the names of the two piglets that Sanford brought to the Statehouse in order to protest earmarks?
A. Jake E. and Andre
B. Glenn and Bobby
C. Hugh Leatherman and Mistress Cat o' Nine Tails
D. Pork and Barrel
Answer (click for answer): Pork and Barrel, one if not both of whom shat on the floor.
2. What does Sanford like to do in his free time?
A. Hike the Appalachian Trail
B. No, we really mean hike the Appalachian Trail
C. Play with his backhoe
D. And no, that's not a euphemism
Answer: A, B, and C. While governor, Sanford was known to head to the Upstate to hike. When he stayed at his Lowcountry farm, he often spent his free time digging holes in his backyard with a backhoe. Can you say "sexual frustration?"
3. How many of Sanford's vetoes were overridden during his first seven years in office?
Answer: 573, or 88 percent of all of Sanford's vetoes. Source: The Nerve.
4. What was the name of the Sanford staffer who was arrested for domestic violence?
A. Will Folks
B. Tom Davis
C. The Other Tom Davises of the World
D. Joel Sawyer
Answer: Will Folks. The one-time Sanford spokesman resigned from his post in the governor's office after his arrest in July 2005. Folks later founded the popular, but shameless website FITSNews and claimed to have an "inappropriate physical relationship" with Gov. Nikki Haley.
5. Mark Sanford was once considered a potential running mate for what politician?
A. George W. Bush
B. John McCain
C. Mitt Romney
D. Nikki Haley (What? You don't think she's planning to run for president?)
Answer: John McCain. Sanford was widely considered to be the frontrunner for the spot as McCain's running mate, but following a disastrous appearance on CNN in which the governor stumbled to answer questions — even going so far as to mention he was "drawing a blank" — he immediately fell out of contention.
6. True or False: Mark Sanford is so cheap that he once gave his ex-wife Jenny a hand-drawn picture of half a bicycle as a present. Later, either on Jenny's next birthday or Christmas, he gave her a drawing of the other half of the bike and then a $25 used bicycle.
7. How much in federal stimulus money did Sanford refuse to accept from the federal government?
B. $50 million
C. $100 million
D. $700 million
Answer: A and D. Sanford initially refused to accept the money, which was widely met by masochistic Tea Partiers in the Palmetto State with loud applause. However, Sanford later changed his mind.
8. When Mark Sanford originally served in Congress, where did he sleep at night?
A. In a C-Street apartment he shared with Jim DeMint
B. The YMCA
C. His office
D. A hotel in Argentina
Answer: His office, either on a couch or a cot. Reports vary.
9. Aside from getting re-elected, what was Sanford's biggest accomplishment as governor?
A. Not getting impeached
B. Overhauling the DMV
C. Keeping Andre Bauer at bay
D. Transforming the Corridor of Shame into the Corridor of Fame
Answer: Overhauling the DMV. And kudos for that. Sanford's efforts reduced wait times at the DMV dramatically and made the overall experience of renewing your driver's license much less painful.
10. Which of the following is a line from one of Sanford's 2008 e-mails to then-paramour María Belén Chapur?
A. "My earthly day and night were your mouth, your skin the republic my kisses founded."
B. "I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night's light."
C. "Kiss by kiss I cover your tiny infinity, your margins, your rivers, your diminutive villages, and a genital fire, transformed by delight, slips through the narrow channels of blood to precipitate a nocturnal carnation."
D. "I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest, hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails, I want to eat your skin like a whole almond."
Answer: B. Evidently Sanford is a boob man. The other lines are taken from Pablo Neruda poems.
0-3 Maybe you should sit this election out
4-6 Budding Mark Sanford biographer
7-10 You must be receiving Sanford love letters