November 19, 2008 News+Opinion » Features

The GOP needs an intervention 

The Road to Recovery

by Chris Haire

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The GOP is as junk-sick as Jeff Conaway, the chief head case on VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

In this reality TV nightmare world, starpower is measured by the number of times a celebrity can be caught on camera puking into a wastebasket during detox and the degree to which drug use has hampered an actor's ability to speak — can he utter a complete and coherent sentence or only communicate in slurred gurgles and zonked-out cries? If he can do the latter, he's an A-Lister. If the former, he's a has-been.

The Republican Party is an awful lot like that. On second thought, the GOP is worse. It needs an intervention, right here, right now.

Here's what should happen:

The GOP needs to break all ties with Sarah Palin. She is not its leader. She is not its candidate in 2012. At best she is a future television host, all perkiness and smiles and well-scripted ah-shucks-isms. At worst, she's a dangerously inept Alaskan hillbilly with a penchant for end-times theology and the intellectual curiosity of brain cancer.

So, with Sarah plain and intolerant out of the way, who's the leader of the Republican Party? Well, nobody. At least at the moment. But there is a movement going on, one that might reshape the GOP the way Barry Goldwater's ideas gradually transformed the party. And it's centered around Texas Congressman Ron Paul, a man the current GOP won't even let into its national convention.

That said, Paul isn't the guy the GOP needs to turn to. Aside from his opposition to the Iraq War, a novel move for a member of the current GOP, Paul's beliefs are too tied to the past — he's an isolationist who wants the U.S. out of NATO and the U.N., a proponent of dismantling the Federal Reserve and ending the income tax, and a believer in the guns-and-God platform that has supported the Republican Party over the last eight years. With Ron Paul, it'll be one step forward, 12 steps back.

Which brings us to this next bit of advice: quit kowtowing to evangelicals. They don't speak for the majority of Americans, nor do they speak for the majority of Christians. Yes, most Americans want God in their lives, but they don't want Him involved in foreign policy matters, high school display cases, or license plate designs. God knows who's naughty and who's nice. He doesn't need an "I Believe" license plate or two Ten Commandments tablets next to the state basketball championship trophy to figure that out. Go for somebody quietly religious. You know, the way Republicans used to be, back when they were more concerned about balancing budgets than thumping Bibles.

Speaking of religion, it's time to get rid of the false prophets — men like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Mark Levin. This unholy trinity has abandoned all objectivity in favor of blind, spit-spewing support of the GOP — right, wrong, or just plain retarded. If the Republicans hope to win back the middle-of-the-roaders they just lost, they're going to have to be willing to openly criticize the party itself. People expect the GOP's leading thinkers to disagree, not to march in lockstep. But the Republican Party loses credibility every single time Hannity goes on a rant about why the "Democrat" Party is hell-bent on destroying America and why the GOP is an example of all that is good and holy. It's fine to be partisan. It's fine to argue a point of view. But for Siddhartha's sake, the intellectually dishonest discourse has to stop.

If they ever hope to regain power, the leaders of the GOP must also be careful never to listen to Dick Morris or Bill Kristol ever again. Up until the bitter end, Morris was proclaiming with a straight face that McCain would win; at some point Republicans need to consider the possibility that Morris is a double agent whose loyalties still lie with the Clintons. As for Kristol, the GOP should never forget that The Weekly Standard editor and the chairman of the Project for the New American Century is one of the chief architects of the neoconservative movement. Look where that got us. His dreams of a Benevolent Global Hegemony turned out to be a malicious worldwide clusterfuck.

Most importantly, the GOP needs to be honest about why John McCain lost in 2008. Don't be like Sen. Jim DeMint and lie to yourself. According to the Upstate senator, the American public turned against McCain because he wanted amnesty for illegal immigrants, supported anti-global warming initiatives, and embraced the Wall Street bailout. Um, I hate to break this to you, Minty, but on those issues McCain and Obama weren't much different, and we know who won there.

Last but not least, the most important step of all: Ditch Dutch. Yes, say good-bye to the Gipper. Trickle-down economics doesn't work, and deficit spending has nearly destroyed our economy. And all that good-versus-evil foreign-policy talk that Ronnie was so fond of? Well, it was really just talk; he didn't believe it, and neither should today's GOP.

One day, a new conservative leader will emerge to take the reins of the GOP and win the hearts and minds of the American public. But the road to recovery will either be a 28-day stay at a rehab program or a long, hard, self-destructive slog to the grave, the fate that awaits every user who just can't get off the junk.

The following is a dispatch that was beamed to us from the future. But to quote John Conner, "The future is not set."

Notes from 2012
Sanford Wins
S.C. governor edges out President Obama, Budget cuts to come

Courtesy of the S.C. Governor's office
  • Courtesy of the S.C. Governor's office

By Chris Haire

It was a battle for the ages. On the left, a one-time messiah who saw his star fall as his administration was beset by one misstep after another — a national gun ban, In Allah We Trust coinage, The Communist Manifesto as an official Oprah's Book Club selection. On the right, the unassuming maverick, whose alter-ego showed a steely determination to trim budgets and take on his fellow Republicans back in his home state of South Carolina. It was the Obamination versus the Man of Khaki. And early Wednesday morning, the results were in. Obama was out. Sanford was in.

Shortly thereafter, Sanford addressed the faithful at the Francis Marion Hotel in downtown Charleston, delivering a stunning Power Point presentation of his plans.

"Obama said he would bring change. As you know, that was just talk," Sanford said. "It's time to cut out empty rhetoric. Now's the time to cut the budget. America needs a haircut. And the federal budget needs a shave."

The crowd responded as countless Sanford supporters had done before them. They raised their hands in the air and made scissor gestures, and shouted what has become a GOP rallying cry, "Snip. Snip. Snip."

At the top of Sanford's budget-cutting list, the nation's highway system. "I'm a walking kind of guy. If I can't get there on my own two feet, well, I don't need to go there. And I sure as heck don't need to pay for roads I'm not going to use. And I don't think the average citizen should either," Sanford said.

According to Sanford's plan, drivers would be responsible for the construction and maintenance of self-financed roadways — streets that only the driver and his or her family would be allowed to use. "You make the potholes, you have to pay for it," the president-elect said. "That's only fair."

Not surprisingly Sanford has other plans on how to trim the budget. "Starting on Jan. 20, 2012, the president will no longer have a personal chef," President-elect Sanford said of the move that will cut $80,000 from the $4 trillion federal budget. "As for the White House, it's your house too. Which is why I'm turning it into a budget hotel. As soon as I get there, I'll call in the bulldozers, and we'll start digging a pool."

The rooms will be available for $49 a night. However, guests will be responsible for beds and toiletries.

Sanford added, "And don't worry about me and my family. We're moving into the Oval Office. There's plenty of room in there to set up a couple of bunk beds."

The president-elect also has plans to shut the doors on the museums that make up the Smithsonian Institution. "I don't know about how things are done in Washington, but in my neck of the woods, when money's tight, it's time for a yard sale," Sanford said. "From all the dinosaur bones to the Hope Diamond, it all must go."

Sanford hopes to raise enough money from the Smithsonian yard sale to pay the water and sewer bill at the White House for one month.

Comments (11) RSS

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Okay, I go along with a lot of what is said in this article. Palin is a joke. Dump the neocons, the evangelical profiteers, the brain-dead icons and message-makers of the past (Hannity, Limbaugh, etc.). Reagan is not relevant anymore, agreed.

On the subject of Ron Paul, you've missed the point. I agree that it is certainly time to be looking for a "younger" brand; Paul is too old and he's not the best communicator. He's certainly a better writer (ideas man) than he is a talker (seller/promoter). However, you suggest/state that Paul is too tied to the past. Really? This is the same argument that is used by "progressive" and "neoconservative" people to promote a new gestalt. As if anything is really new--be serious here.

I don't have space to make a complete argument--and your eyes would glaze anyway--so I'll say it this way. Paul's concepts are more about the human elements, the human interactions, which enable and promote freedom, liberty, and individual decision-making. These concepts are rooted in the Constitution and the published thoughts of many philosophers that were used to create this document. These concepts are timeless. Self-governance and individual liberty can be applied in 2000 B.C. as well as 2010 A.D. People claim the "gold standard" is out of date. Why? For what reason is it better to have some globalistic bankers pushing buttons and printing digits better than millions of people making rational economic decisions that influence the value of the currency? Philosophically, the concept of endless debt makes no sense; empirically, it makes no sense either. In fact, anyone who thinks that government can make wise economic decisions is in serious need of therapy; I could fill book after book with evidence.

But I'll get closer to the point. Imperialism, in the guise of "defeating Al Qaeda," is the past. Keynesianism, in the sense of creating oversupply so that demand will follow, is the past; it doesn't work. Take one walk around an auto lot and look at the thousands of vehicles that won't be sold--it is waste on a grand scale. Centralized and overpowerful governments are the past--they can't keep up with the decentralized movements of society and business. The robes and crowns of the "big government" leaders are the past. It's time to dump the Kings, Queens, and "Senior Leaders." My God, do we live in North Korea, now?

But, what's really missing in the argument of past vs. present is this: some things from the past are GOOD, and should be maintained, while some things from the present in the name of "progress" should be eliminated. If you think about "change" in evolutionist terms, you will understand that change is not always helpful; often, it is harmful.

Thus, many of Paul's ideas, old or not, are very relevant, and could be helpful--if we would only listen, instead of grabbing onto cliches and knives to stick into the back of the messenger.

Posted by smharmon1 on November 21, 2008 at 1:07 AM | Report this comment

You don't understand Ron Paul's positions.
Isolationism does not equal non-interventionism.
Look it up.
Regarding the economy. He was right. It's that simple. Is that now a bad characteristic in a leader?

Posted by C.A. Charles on November 20, 2008 at 12:17 PM | Report this comment

Wow, I guess Mr. Haire is the last one to believe that Ron Paul is an isolationist. Must be pretty lonely. Also,what's up with the god platform? The only time I heard RP talk of religion is when he was endorsing the just war theory of Christianity. You could take the religion out of that and still have the "Just War Theory". Now is that so terrible?

Posted by chuch on November 19, 2008 at 10:54 PM | Report this comment

RE: "Paul's beliefs are too tied to the past — he's an isolationist who wants the U.S. out of NATO and the U.N., a proponent of dismantling the Federal Reserve and ending the income tax, and a believer in the guns-and-God platform that has supported the Republican Party over the last eight years. With Ron Paul, it'll be one step forward, 12 steps back."

Your statements stink of communism. Humor me, and I'll pretend you aren't just repeating propaganda by once again using the term "isolationism". Spare me the trouble of taking out a dictionary to school you on the differences of isolationism and non-interventionism.

The U.N. treaty conflicts with the constitution, look it up, prove me wrong. THAT is why RP wants out. The income tax is UNLAWFUL, look it up, prove me wrong. And you can't say that you wouldn't enjoy that. Guns are a constitutional right. And if I may talk to you like you are four years old, this is the United States. And it is MY right to protect myself from zombies like YOU.

It cracks me up that leftists like yourself are so bad at posing as an objective conservative, when you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

Read a book, learn the constitution. Don't attempt to discuss until you do.

Posted by melanie on November 19, 2008 at 12:51 PM | Report this comment

This is probably my favorite Chris Haire piece to date, for all the obvious reasons.

However, I do believe both liberals and conservatives give voters too much credit in their choosing between "Left" and "Right" when selecting candidates.

If the smooth-talking Ronald Reagan were more politically like Barack Obama, I believe he could have been just as successful, and even still president.

A conservative Obama could have been just as popular as he is now. Never underestimate the power of personality in electoral politics.

As for Ron Paul, it should be ponted out that the NATO-embracing (the Cold War is over, BTW) pro-NAFTA globalism, big government liberalism embraced by both parties are symbolic and indicative of virtually every problem we have. Why do yo think so many Republicans, like John Kyl, are excited at the prospect of Hillary as Sec. of State? Because she will play all with the neocons, could be convinced we should attack Iran and might bring Georgia in NATO - restarting the Cold War. The Military-Industrial Complex Eisenhower warned us about, where war and lives lost are considered the price of doing business, will live on under Obama. Oh, and to object is to be an "isolationist."

How Paul is somehow "12 steps back" and reactionary, yet pushing forward with the same interventionist, big-government-overseas-which-necessitates-big-goverment-abroad mentality is "progressive" still boggles my mind. Particularly when Leftists like Ralph Nader and The Nation's Alex Cockburn see mindless globalism as hurtful to the progressive agenda.

And it should be mentioned that Ron Paul's "reactionary" predictions about the Federal Reserve, the weak dollar and reckless federal spending have all been born out in the last few months, almost to a T. Who was right? Clinton? Bush? Greenspan? Obama?

Also, in looking for darkhorse future GOP leaders, Mark Sanford is superb, but former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson is arguably even more stellar, and has indicated he might run for Prez in 2012.

Jack

Posted by Jack Hunter on November 19, 2008 at 12:29 PM | Report this comment

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