Sex in the Holy City 

The trials and tribulations of a newly single lesbian

As luck would have it, I'm single — again. Slowly but surely, I've been dipping my toe back into the murky Charleston dating pool. In my head, I fancy myself as a dressed down, gay-girl version of Carrie Bradshaw. More specifically, I've got the MacBook, not the Manolos. And, I'd rather get silly with several Hendrick's and tonics than sugary Cosmos.

Here then, for entertainment purposes only, is a completely generalized, nowhere-near-complete list of the dating "types" here in lesbian Charleston:

The Baby Shanes: Shane McCutcheon was one of the main characters on the hit Showtime series, The L Word, a soap opera following the lives of a group of Los Angeles lesbians. Shane, a hairstyling, gender-bending, smudgy eye-makeup-wearing, noncommittal slut (for lack of a better word) became the heroine for this generation's young lesbians. On any given night on the Charleston gay scene, you will see young lesbians dressed like Shane — skinny tie, low slung jeans, flat-ironed hair — and acting out any number of social atrocities in her name.

Dissatisfied Married Women, aka Country Club Cougars: I'm not sure what it is about Charleston suburban life that brings about a crisis of conscience for a certain contingent of married women, but it's happened enough that I'm compelled to include them. Call them late bloomers to being gay. Call them rich, bored, vapid, and looking to act out. Whatever it is, these women have been seen prowling around gay-friendly watering holes in designer jeans and charm bracelets looking to give the loveliest lesbians in town a tumble. Proceed with caution. Better yet, scratch them off your list.

Friends of Friends: If you have friends who really listen to you, this can be the ideal way to meet your next girlfriend. If you have friends who want you to date a friend of theirs only because they want all of their favorite people at their next barbecue, you might want to get a nasty case of shingles. Immediately.

Good on Paper: She's educated, well traveled, has a great job, is on good terms with her family, and really funny. On paper? Nearly flawless. Then you meet in person, and you marvel at how someone so seemingly fantastic can bore you to near tears. The best part? You'll beat yourself up for this one. (Maybe it's me?) Hint: It's not. Go your own way, Stevie.

Six Degrees of Separation: If you think the straight world is small, wait until you check out the gay community. Before committing to a date, do your homework. Ask your friends if they know your mystery lady. Chances are, someone-you-know's sister's boyfriend's cousin's landlord dated her. That means by the substitution property (think Algebra), you have, in a sense, already dated her. It's. So. Incestuous.

Pretty Crazy: Remember when Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton? Remember how she wore a vile of his blood around her neck? How much it alternately fascinated and freaked you out? Yeah. We've got that in the lesbian world. They're beautiful girls, don't get me wrong. Sparkling eyes, silky hair. Some come with strategically placed tattoos. Some rock a string of pearls. But stay aware. They come with a generous helping of crazy. Change your phone number. Now.

I'll keep you posted as I continue on this precarious but always entertaining journey of dating. Which reminds me of a classic Carrie Bradshaw line: "Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

Yours sincerely,
Waiting for Butterflies


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