It's time to relieve Alvin Greene of duty. It's time for the Mystery Man of Manning to be dismissed from his top-secret post on the park bench, where he tosses out noble-idiot anecdotes while munching on a box of chocolates. It's time for the Democratic candidate to remove his dunce-cap crown, get back to strengthening his kung-fu grip, and prepare to do battle with the forces of Cobra. There are two politicians far more deserving of a spot on the throne of fools on which he sits: Robert Ford and Wendell Gilliard.
Last week, Sen. Ford and Rep. Gilliard, two of the Holy City's nearest and dearest dunderheads, made a move so profoundly idiotic that nearly anything the U.S. Senate candidate has done by this point can be forgotten. They held a press conference protesting a Charleston RiverDogs promotion, this one involving a Mr. Lady Liberty bobblehead that had been affixed with a picture of Greene's mug.
You've seen the pic before. It's the one where the Democratic candidate is wearing a green Greene family reunion T-shirt, staring blankly back at the camera. It's a modern classic, right up there with the best of Annie Leibovitz.
The foolish pair of Ford and Gilliard felt the RiverDogs' promotion was cruel, both to Greene and to all the brave men and women that serve this proud nation. According to a Post and Courier report, Ford said, "To mistreat this young man ... we think it's a slap in the face." The state senator added, "To be a public servant, you don't have to be a professor or a lawyer or a business person. He won the primary. That should be the end of the story."
Meanwhile, Gilliard had this to say: "To make a doll with his face plastered on a Statute of Liberty structure, it's a mockery and should be a mockery to all veterans."
Ford, for one, wanted to make one thing clear: This protest had nothing at all to do with the color of Greene's skin, telling WCBD News 2, "Please understand, this is not a racial issue."
Now, I won't waste your time arguing that Ford is being disingenuous when he says that race isn't a factor in his decision to throw a hastily called press conference. And I'm not going to bother wasting mine telling you that this promotion does nothing to sully the reputation of the thousands of men and women in uniform. But I will say this: Robert Ford and Wendell Gilliard need to take a poli-sci class. Mocking our elected officials and those that wish to be them is at the very heart of American politics. In fact, it's right there in the Bill of Rights, Amendment One. Let me quote it for you:
"Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom to badly Photoshop the president's face onto the body of Adolf Hitler; to make a porn parody in which a former vice president tries to get frisky with an unwilling masseuse only to later be at the center of a gangbang with the entire staff of the National Enquirer; to draw a political cartoon in which a South Carolina GOP gubernatorial candidate is dressed in a Day-Glo latex skirt, fishnets, and a see-thru Nehru jacket while engaged in an ill-defined, inappropriate physical relationship with a portly, bald-pated blogger who once slapped around an ex-girlfriend; and to tell a truly tasteless joke involving two local Statehouse members, a carriage horse, and half a gallon of pluff mud. Oh. And to put Alvin Greene's likeness on a bobblehead."
So, Sen. Ford and Rep. Gilliard, it doesn't matter if you're offended or not. It's all right there in the Bill of Rights. Feel free to consult this article next time you get your diapers in a bunch. The carriage horses of Charleston thank you.