I haven't told the truth since April 1, 1999. Since then everything out of my mouth has been complete and utter BS. So, for the benefit of everybody, let me take a minute or two to discuss a few things I've said over the years and let you know honestly where I stand.
First, I do not think we can solve all the problems in the Middle East by giving everybody there an air conditioner, a La-Z-Boy, and cable TV. That would never work. Now, throw in an all-access pass to Club Jenna, and, well, you might have something there.
And when I said that Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and the rest of their hate-spewing kind should be sent to reeducation camps where each day is filled with non-stop episodes of Will & Grace, Queer as Folk, and SpongeBob SquarePants and every night is one tickle fight after another, I was talking out of my ass. The jokes on Will & Grace are dated. It would never work.
And all those times when I argued that the only way to stop kids from joining gangs was to round up gang members, take them to Marion Square, pull down their saggy britches, and spank the lot of them in front of the entire town, once again, I was full of it. I purposely hid the true scope of my plan — yes, thug lifers would be targeted, but so would hypocritical holy men, filers of frivolous lawsuits, and Larry the Cable Guy.
Which brings me to Charleston County School Board Vice Chair Nancy Cook.
What's so bad about Nancy Cook, you ask? Well, for those of you out of the loop, let me bring you up to speed.
Last week on The Morning Buzz with Richard Todd, School Board Member Cook was discussing the high dropout rate, its causes, and exactly how to bring that number down. Here's what she said, according to The Post and Courier: "We're not standing up as people and saying that we've had enough of that. We're not paying for another baby, maybe one baby, but after that, we're taking the baby. And maybe you get sterilized. I know that sounds kind of extreme and radical, but we're in times to where — think about America. When is it OK for America not to be No. 1? When did we get out of that?"
Sterilization? What would Josef Mengele do?
Fortunately, Live 5 got wind of Cook's comments and decided to confront the board member. During the interview with Live 5's Sheldon Dutes, Cook is all smiles and chuckles, apparently unconcerned about the troublesome nature of her comments. Addressing the matter, she says, "I don't know what I said in the heat of the moment, what I was talking about, but I'm saying we have a problem." (You can view the report yourself on the Live 5 website.)
The following day, The P&C ran a report on the matter, which included an e-mail defense of sorts from Cook. It read:
"I've spent my entire life helping others. For the last 14 years, I have assisted women, children, and veterans of all ages and races to turn their lives around. For the last eight years, I've worked tirelessly to improve our school system. The issues of teen pregnancy and high school dropout rates go hand-in-hand. We need to discuss this as an issue of personal responsibility and accountability, not government intervention. Clearly, to suggest that I would be for such a radical idea would be against my morals, beliefs, and life work."
Actually, Nancy, no one else suggested that you were for the "radical idea" of sterilizing American citizens. Not Richard Todd. Not Live 5 reporter Sheldon Dutes. And not The P&C's Diette Courrégé.
It was you and you alone.
So what are we to do about Nancy Cook? How should she be punished?
I have a suggestion: At all future school board meetings, she'll be required to don a pregnancy pad, wear a T-shirt that reads "I'm with Stupid" (arrow pointing up), and speak solely in nursery rhymes. Either that or we could just give her a pacifier to replace the foot she recently inserted into her mouth.