Roadkill Diss o' the Week: A man reportedly told his girlfriend, "You smell like an armadillo."
A man was kayaking through some backwaters when he found a jon boat that appeared to have been abandoned. He towed it back to shore and reported the find to police who discovered that the boat had been reported stolen in Dorchester County.
During a five-person brawl on a sidewalk, one man put another in a sleeper hold and kept saying, "Go to sleep!" The other man broke out of the hold and did not go to sleep.
When an officer pulled a man over for driving 90 mph in a 45-mph zone at about 2:30 a.m., the man apologized and said, "I was just trying to get home." Dude must've left the oven on.
The owner of a taxi company sent a potential employee out on a probationary assignment. The man picked up several passengers that night, made about $350 in fares, returned the vehicle, and never handed the money over to his employers. One passenger also called to say that the man had been selling drugs out of the vehicle.
Stolen From Homes This Week: A beach cruiser bicycle, a silver wristwatch, an eight-foot surfboard, and a 20-gauge shotgun.
During a DUI test, an officer asked a man how drunk he was on a scale of one to 10, and the man said he was a three. Then he took a breathalyzer test that showed a blood alcohol content of 0.26, more than three times the legal driving limit.
An officer pulled a man over for driving erratically. When the man stepped out of his vehicle for a DUI test (which he failed), the entire front of his shorts was wet.
Waistful Crime o' the Week: A loss prevention officer watched as a man walked into a store, took off his belt, and replaced it with a new one, placing his old belt on the rack.
Somebody broke into an electrical supply company building by cutting a hole through the wall and stole $4,000 worth of copper wire.
A police officer pulled over a car with a cracked tail light. When the officer walked up beside the vehicle, he thought he smelled marijuana coming through the window and asked the driver to step out of the car. A passenger in the vehicle piped up and said the officer did not have consent to search the vehicle, and the driver rolled up his window, locked the doors, and called his father. The cop finally coaxed both of the people out of the vehicle by saying he had probable cause, searched the glove compartment, and found two grams of marijuana in a handbag.
Police stopped a woman who was shouting as she walked down the street in the afternoon, barefoot and soaking wet. The woman said she had been kicked out of a hotel pool. When asked why she was making a scene, she just started yelling again and was arrested on a public disorderly conduct charge.
The pastor of a downtown church has asked police to cite anyone found on the property for trespassing. Recently, an officer gave a man a ticket for sleeping on the handicapped access ramp at 1:20 p.m.
A man walked into a bar and ordered two $450 bottles of Cristal champagne and shared them with some friends, but his credit card was declined when he went to pay the bill. He had to be carried out the door at closing time, and police found him lying on the sidewalk unconscious. This is how all those P. Diddy songs actually end, folks.
A man held up a pharmacy and got away with two bottles of Valium and a bottle of pain pills. He must have taken it literally when someone told him to take a chill pill.
Weapon o' the Week: A man told police his wife attacked him with a broom.
Police found a man passed out drunk in his brand-new Mercedes Benz outside of an ice cream parlor. Sounds like you really can have too much of a good thing.
A purse snatcher grabbed a woman's purse as she was walking on the sidewalk and tried to pull it away. The woman fought back, pulling on the purse strap until it broke, at which point the snatcher took off running down the street, purse in hand. According to witnesses, the thief made it about a block before she said, "Fuck, this ain't worth it," dropped the purse, and ran off.