Theological crutch o' the week: When police arrested a man for disorderly conduct and an open-container violation, he cried out, “The devil got a hold of me!”
Somebody spray-painted the word "condemned" on the doors of a Catholic school. With Martin Luther long dead and buried, the 96th Thesis certainly lacks the eloquence of its predecessors.
While housesitting, a woman allegedly stole a $100 debit gift card from the homeowner's mail and used it at a grocery store, a lingerie store, a fast-food taco joint, a fragrance shop, and a piercing parlor. At least she spent it on the essentials.
Somebody stole two Nook tablets from a store. The store owners are hoping the courts throw the e-book at the thief.
Lemon o' the Week: Shortly after a man purchased a house, someone broke four windows, pried open the rear door, used a sledgehammer to knock holes in the walls of every room, and tipped over a portable toilet in the yard.
Bold Move o' the Week: An employee is accused of stealing $9,717 worth of merchandise from a clothing store over the course of six months and then wearing some of the clothes to work.
An officer stopped a man who was zig-zag walking down the middle of a street and asked him how much he had been drinking. The man replied, "My roommate ... my roommate." The officer noticed the man had blood on his elbows and asked why he was bleeding, to which the man replied, "I'm not."
Inscrutable Threat o' the Week: "I will defend life with life."
At 2:03 a.m., police caught a man with his pants unzipped outside a pizzeria, and the man confessed that he was "about to pee." Bar-hopping tip: 2 a.m. closing time is also the last call for the bar bathroom. Plan accordingly.
Weapon o' the Week: A book.
After police arrested him for drunkenness and placed him in the back of a patrol car, a man alternated between cursing and saying, "Everything's OK, know what I'm saying?"
Somebody stole $500 worth of copper pipes from the air conditioning units at a vacant school building. This crook is too cool for school cooling.
Somebody managed to steal a 32-inch television and remote control during a birthday party at a downtown house. Major buzzkill.
A tenant of an apartment says that when he asked his landlord to fix a power outage problem, the landlord grabbed him by the shirt and stuffed a letter down the front of it. The letter allegedly said that he shouldn't call the landlord for maintenance problems anymore and that if he didn't like it, he should move.
A scammer bilked a sporting goods store out of about $4,000 by purchasing items from the store online, removing the tags, attaching them to cheaper off-brand sporting goods, and fraudulently returning them at the store.
When asked if he had marijuana in his vehicle, a driver replied, "No, man, you guys always say that about me." A drug-sniffing dog pointed police to the bushes beside the passenger-side door, where they found three grams of weed and 16 grams of crack cocaine.
A man says his ex-girlfriend placed his clothes in a bathtub and poured bleach all over them. Hell hath no fury like a wardrobe stained.
Two young palmetto rose sellers got in a fight over who was allowed to sell roses on a particular street corner, and one of them ended up throwing a steak knife at the other's back.
Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A cooler full of ice, three GPS units, $5 in loose change, two iPods, a wallet, a pair of aviator sunglasses, a vehicle tag, and a car radio.
When asked how much he had been drinking, a man replied, "I can't put a number on it." When asked why he couldn't put a number on it, he said, "Ugh, because I'm in college."