Blotter: Ground control to major dumb 

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: A shoplifter drew attention to himself by entering into a store dressed only in jean shorts before pocketing a radio adapter. The man later told police that he was uncertain why he had attempted to steal the device because he had plenty of money to pay for it. He had probably saved up all the cash he didn't waste on shirts and shoes.

Employees at a thrift store were sorting through that day's donations when they discovered a loaded handgun tucked away in the pocket of a suit jacket. One could say that the jacket's previous owner was — get ready for it — dressed to kill.

A woman banned from a gas station showed back up one evening only to be placed on official trespass notice and charged with shoplifting. Her haul? A nice, cold soft drink valued at 69 cents.

A suspected heroin dealer was apprehended downtown one afternoon. While being taken into custody, the man told officers, "I don't sell heroin. I just use heroin," according to an incident report.

The last thing a man remembers from his time on the dance floor in a crowded night club is someone swinging a beer bottle at his head.

A young lady was able to identify the group of women who allegedly attacked her after she found them boasting about their fight on Facebook. Remember aspiring criminals, if you're going to use social media to confess to a crime, use Myspace.

A man suspects that his car was towed by mistake. Yes, it sounds like a lame excuse, but according to an incident report the man's neighbor, who told police that he saw a tow truck haul the car away, said that there had been an accident involving a vehicle of the same color and model in that same location earlier in the day.

After stealing a beer from a corner store, a shoplifter walked to the public park right across the street and immediately began to enjoy the fruits of his labor. As police began to question the man, he replied, "Man, don't write me no ticket. Give me a break," according to an incident report. Not surprisingly, the man was not given a break by the officer, and instead he received a citation before being forced to dispose of his beverage.

A man was sitting on his porch one evening, enjoying a brandy and Coke, when he struck up a conversation with a young passerby. The man invited his new acquaintance into his home and made him a drink. Losing sight of the young man as he walked back to the porch, the older gentleman assumed his guest had ran off. The man then locked his front door and re-entered his home only to find the young man hiding in the shower with the curtain pulled closed. It was at this time that the young man leapt from the shower and allegedly hit the man in the face before fleeing.

A woman called police to report numerous harassing calls from a man demanding his late mother's property back. Officers say at no time did the man actually threaten the woman, but he did refer to her as a "black-hearted bitch." When asked by police if she would consider changing her phone number, the woman replied, "No, this has been my number for 50 years."

Three shoplifters walked into a downtown clothing store and made off with almost 50 T-shirts valued at $1,340.

Three men got into an argument while waiting in line at the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. According to store employees, a driver skipped ahead of two gentlemen on a moped before exiting his vehicle to shout at them. The driver later told police that he was able to gain the upper hand in the physical altercation that ensued through his use of "close combat techniques." According to an incident report, the man also told officers that he had a few drinks before driving to the restaurant, which, coupled with hunger, is only going to lead to a drive-thru dust-up.

A woman attempted to snatch a $1 bill out of a man's shirt pocket before grabbing her wig and running off to hide in the bathroom at a nearby laundromat. Once police finally tracked the woman down, they learned that the amateur pickpocket had been drinking, according to an incident report.

An angry mother called employees at one bar demanding that they return her daughter's fake ID that had been taken earlier in the evening.


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