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Cliché Police

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Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the Week: A snockered naturalist was found walking around the parking lot of a motel completely nude. When questioned by an officer, the man chose to debate whether or not he was actually naked.

Two men were getting off work when they claimed they were approached by a couple of strangers looking for a fight. The two victims sat down their backpacks to prepare for a bit of fisticuffs, but the other men grabbed their bags and fled. One of the victims later told officers that his backpack contained multiple Xanax pills, which he and his friend had been enjoying earlier in the evening with a few drinks, according to an incident report.

An officer found a woman asleep behind the wheel of her vehicle, which was positioned on the side of a road with a flat tire. The woman first said she pulled over because she was tired. When asked to retrieve her license, the woman first had to remove the half-empty bottle of vodka from her purse, which tipped off the police to the source of her narcoleptic ways.

In a throwback crime from a simpler time, a group of youths were spotted downtown "shooting dice," according to an incident report.

A man suspects that a group of teens vandalized his vehicle after he asked the brat pack to stop smoking pot outside of his apartment.

A woman unafraid of cliches was found in possession of a small paper bag containing marijuana, but she assured officers that she was just "holding it for a friend."

An intoxicated woman was found lying on a sidewalk downtown. When she awoke, the woman asked officers, "How did I get here?" Police later asked the woman how much she had to drink that evening. She replied by calling herself a "lightweight," admitting to only downing one Four Loko that evening.

While being questioned in the back of a taxi, an intoxicated passenger told an officer that he refused to pay his cab fare because he had not ridden in a cab.

A cab driver pulled over after his passenger began acting erratically and attempted to jump from the moving vehicle, according to an incident report. Once the taxi stopped, the passenger ran from the vehicle, chased by the driver. A brief fight occurred before the passenger ran off. The man later returned while the driver was speaking with police and admitted to officers that he had been mixing cocaine and alcohol earlier in the evening.

A man called police to report that someone had stolen his ADHD medication, but admitted that he may have possibly misplaced the pill bottle. When speaking with officers, the man stated that there were approximately 10-15 pills left in his prescription "with a street value of $75." As the officer left, the man added that he would not have given the medication away because it "stops him from eating himself out of house and home and it allows him to concentrate."

A man asking for change was able to exchange his counterfeit $100 bill for legal tender at a local grocery store.

An abandoned shopping bag was recovered from the middle of a street. Inside the bag, officers found a white plate, miscellaneous jewelry, and an "Obama plaque," according to an incident report. If anyone is looking for their missing Obama plaque, please check with the city police.

Helpful Description O' the Week:

A victim described two burglary suspects as being dressed in "normal afternoon kid attire."

An officer witnessed one driver drift into the median, collide with a small tree, and continue speeding along in the wrong direction down the highway. Once the man was finally pulled over for questioning, he was unable to recall anything that had happened, which may have been the result of his head wound.

While attempting to help an intoxicated man, police asked the man for his address. The man chose to respond by pointing to Marion Square and refusing to name any other address.


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