Net Surfer o' the Week: Someone stole a laptop computer covered in stickers for various surf brands.
Someone cut a 6-by-6-inch hole in the canvas roof of a convertible and stole a wallet, an imitation Rolex, and an authentic Zippo lighter.
The Things They Shoplifted: Store-brand hot sauce, popcorn, Scotch tape, toothpaste, children's shoes, women's shoes, and a lipstick pen.
A man with a gram of coke in his left shoe and 15 grams of weed in his right shoe told police, "I was holding all of that for another guy."
Worst Hustle o' the Week: A man reached into the back of a pawn shop display case, stole a diamond ring, and left the store. He returned five minutes later and tried to pawn the ring.
After being arrested on a charge of criminal domestic violence, a man blurted out, "Search her Coach bag. That's where she has her marijuana."
Police pulled over a vehicle that was driving the wrong way down a one-way street, and the driver got out and tried to make a run for it. When the cops caught him and asked why he was running, the man, who smelled of alcohol, replied, "Those white motherfucking Nazis trying to kill my homeboy!" Later, in the back of the police cruiser, he said, "Man, I should piss in your car."
A college student says a group of guys approached him on the sidewalk and asked if he had any cigarettes. When he told them he had none, he says the men punched him in the face.
Fighting Words o' the Week: "That's how we do in Geechie world, bitch."
Pointless Confession o' the Week: While pulled over, a man told police, "All I do is smoke weed. A lot of weed."
A cashier at a mall department store is charged with letting her friends walk off with $12,300 worth of merchandise over the course of about five months. We're no good at math, but that's a whole daggone messload of perfume and designer blue jeans.
An officer noted in an incident report that he "observed the offender pulling up his pants to his waistline, looking around as if he was looking for an escape route." It's the recognition of subtle body language hints that separates the great cops from the rookies.
A man hid a baggie of marijuana in the right front coin pocket of his pants. Guess that's why they call it a dime bag.
A store employee was caught on camera giving herself a discount, paying $8.99 for a pair of pants that were priced at $23.99. The fine line between perks and embezzlement: Learn it.
Someone stole a bicycle and a leaf blower. Maybe it was an experiment in jet propulsion.
Tech Throwdown o' the Week: A man claims that an acquaintance threw his laptop down a staircase.
A wannabe pole vaulter and/or stilt walker stole four 30-foot metal poles from the scaffolding at a construction site.
A driver told police he was willing to submit to some field sobriety tests. But as an officer walked him through the instructions for the first test, the driver piped up, "You must have not understood me the first time. I am not going to take them."
Gutsy Move o' the Week: While being held at gunpoint, a man asked his assailant, "What are you going to prove shooting me?"