Friday, November 13, 2009

Whoa, it's flooding. Let's get hammered!

Posted on Friday, November 13

To the three gentlemen (young men with class) who helped push the disabled red Volvo out of the busy intersection on the rainy, street flooded Wednesday: Thanks once again for demonstrating that there are still decent and compassionate people who will lend a hand. To the motorists that were inconvenienced and not offering to assist except by displaying rude gestures or glaring at me as if I had planned on parking in the middle of the road at rush hour and have a few cocktails while enjoying the view: Karma, baby, karma

Monday, November 9, 2009

Cafe doorman helps lovely lady

Posted on Monday, November 9

I was entering a coffee house (downtown) as you were exiting...you held the door for me to come in and I insisted on holding the door for you...you responded kindly with " chivalry does exist"! Thank you for letting me hold the door for you. You were lovely and it was my pleasure!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm so Baked

Posted on Thursday, November 5

This is to Baked on Easy Bay Street for making the best goddamn cupcakes on the face of mother-freaking earth. My life sucked, so I ate a cupcake and now it doesn't anymore, plain and simple.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Your mom likes this

Posted on Monday, November 2

Hello my name is Bells and i'm an addict. Yes, I admit it I am an addict. My drug of choice is BookFace. Ohhhhhhhh Book Face, I love this thing. Have you ever been late to work because someone kept responding to your status updates during a heated conversation. Have you ever used BookFace as your main communication with your family. How messed up am I, I havent heard my families voice in years, but we talk everyday via BookFace. Where my like button on this this rant? Better Yet, where is the dislike button.
Whoa is me, its been 3 minutes 27 seconds since I last logged on. I think my mafia needs me for war. Who put that black sheep in my farm? Can we get a Fraternity life sinc eI can't be a Soro? I have to go BookFace needs me. I'll see you next week

Little bliss quickie keeps us from getting high

Posted on Monday, November 2

I hope you are taking this time to think deeply about what has happened and what is going on here. I know I have taken this opportunity to better myself rather than merely fall into a meaningless embrace. I hope you have too. I'm not sure what will happen here, but we both know it would be crazy to give up on what can be between us. Sure something quick and easy seems great, but when things start to get serious that bliss will fly out the door like it did with us. Lets finally apply the wisdom we have gained and see if we can't reach a higher level together than we could apart.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I can haz unemployment checkz?

Posted on Thursday, October 29

There are entirely too many distracting websites on the internet. I thought it was just FML and Texts from Last Night but I have been informed of many more. Awkward Family Photos, Things Hipsters Hate, and People of Walmart take every ounce of productivity out of my day. So is this a love or a hate? I love it, but I'm sure my boss hates it...

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Noid knows

Posted on Monday, October 26

After a hard day's night all you really care about is food. Especially food that's cheap, fast and delicious. These criteria guarantee that it will be greasy, unhealthy and addicting. Little Caesar's passes the test with flying colors. It embodies the American Dream. You drive up and for $9.50 you can have a large pepperoni pizza, "crazy" bread, which may have cocaine in it and a 2-liter of Pepsi. No smiles, no questions, just food.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Grammar loving flasher gets fingered by cabbie

Posted on Wednesday, October 21

The Post Office is legally obligated to deliver mail to your address even if your name is not on the item mailed. If you do not want the mail, simply write "NATA" (not at this address) on it, and place it in your mailbox. Polite little messages on your box will not do the trick, no matter how grammatically correct they are.
Dear Taxi Driver Who Does Not Like To Have Headlights Flashed At Him/Her,
If you are the person I remember, I was flashing my headlights at you because you had your turn signal on, and I was attempting to let you know that I was willing to let you cut in front of me by flashing my headlights at you. That is the polite way to do it in the nighttime when a simple wave or polite hand gesture will not do the trick due to lighting issues.
With Love. I say all of this with love.

-Why am I smarter than everyone else around here?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cincy cutie has Journey fan smitten

Posted on Sunday, October 18

Saturday the 17th at an establishment on the market. Very cute blonde, formerly of Cincinnati, enjoying herself with friends after a wedding. Thank you for your wonderful, top-of-your lungs performance of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing". Truly the highlight of my evening. Hope you had fun and got home safely.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Muffin lover ready to take off her dress

Posted on Thursday, October 15

I love that it is now fall. I love that I can now get pumpkin muffins from Einstein Bros. I love that I can FINALLY wear reasonable clothing (ie. jeans and jackets instead of skirts and dresses). Yay, fall!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Leafy oak troll is living the dream

Posted on Monday, October 12

All I have to say to you, pot dealer that listens to Grateful Dead at the highest volume in his ramshackled hovel, is that I love what your all about. Swallowed up by live oaks, you make your customers come to you. They leave their cars running in the middle of the street, run into your reclusive hut and emerge two minutes later peeling away. Your living the dream. Keep up the good work.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Miss Vickery gave me a stiffy and a black eye and I liked it

Posted on Wednesday, October 7

As a regular of Vickery's, I just want to say, Thank you! There were a couple of years where Vickery's was a little less than desirable, but things seem to have changed for the better. The service has improved ten fold over the past year, as well as the food. This restaurant continues to prove that the old standby's can still be relevant. Despite competion on upper King, this is one place where you can still find an eclectic mix of regulars and staff. It's always a little weird, but in a good way. Still the best happy hour, and the stiffest drink. And nothing beats black eye pea fritters on the patio!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Morning lockout saved by rockin' farmers

Posted on Friday, October 2

To the friendly staff at Normandy Farms in South Windermere, I LOVE YOU! When my roommate locked me out of our house at 7:30 in the morning while I was going for my morning run, you allowed me to frantically call for help and even let me use your computer. After 3 hours of attempting to get back in my house, the nice cashier offered to give me money for a cab to go get the keys from my roommate's work. I will always have a place in my heart for Normandy Farm's laid back and generous staff. From now on, I will send everyone I know your way for your delicious breads, coffee, and tremendous hospitality! THANK YOU!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Large hose lifters excite cookie cooker

Posted on Wednesday, September 30

Charleston firefighters give new meaning to the words "on fire." I turned a corner on my way to work today to find four firefighters directing traffic around their gleaming truck. Without thinking I heard the holy hell escape from my lips. They looked like they were all specially bred to lift large hoses and save the girl who just happened to be sleeping naked that night. Lets just say my cookies might mysteriously burn this week. Screw that I might set myself on fire just so they can put me out.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Glad you grew up, gimme a beer

Posted on Monday, September 28

I've just entered a new chapter in the ongoing saga with my 52 year old father. Things were a bit on the rocks when I turned 16 and started abusing my new privileges but once he reigned those in its been rather peachy. Now my Dad looks forward to my once a week visits to the house. Free food, satellite TV and an over-sized leather couch dominate my family time. This past Saturday he took it to a whole new level. "Hey, while I'm out do you want me to pick you up some Yuengling?," he said. My father thinks I'm an alcoholic. Splendid. But free beer with the pops always triumphs over these lingering thoughts.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Boob tube bummer saved by bearded love

Posted on Friday, November 20

What are the judges of Bravo t.v. shows smoking? It was bad enough when Atlantan Eli got the can this week on Top Chef, when we all know the younger Voltaggio sucked it up. I suppose I can get over it for the reasons that a brother versus brother finale makes for better television and that my real love, Kevin, is still holding strong. But then they had to go pick Irina over Charleston native Carol Hannah? FOR SHAME! Just because she's cranky and gothic and wants to wear black every day of the week doesn't mean that shoppers want to. All I can say is get your shit together, Bravo.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

And to your left, you can see the 3,619th poorly parked car

Posted on Wednesday, November 18

I read with great interest the letter to the Post and Courier, on August 24th that was titled "Ticket defies logic". A few days before I had begun counting the number of illegally parked vehicles in the Historic District, while giving bus tours. I used the following crteria: any vehicle in a clearly marked "NO PARKING" zone; passenger cars in commercial loading zones; any vehicle in spaces assigned to CARTA buses and tour buses only; any vehicle blocking a fire hydrant or driveway; any vehicle parked facing the wrong way on a two-way street. During thirty working days, between August 17th and September 30th, I counted a total of 3,619 vehicles using the above criteria. That is an average of 120 vehicles per day. On saturdays and sundays, that average is 2-4 times more. There were some instances where I counted a vehicle multiple times. For several months, there has been an older model brown GMC van parked on Rutledge Avenue, near Colonial Lake, in a Residential Parking Permit District without the required parking permit decal. During this time, I have never seen it ticketed, towed, or booted. The for illegally parking in a tour bus stop is $45.00. That is a total of $162,855 in loss revenue. By the way, that GMC van belongs to [removed], so I guess we'll let him slide for now.

Pedal mashing mommies get the yellow flag

Posted on Wednesday, November 18

I'm tired of mommy's in their SUV's racing the streets of Charleston like they are the only ones on the road! The most recent rant against the cops doing their job is a prime example. I could only visualize is one these mom's, that I so detest, spewing on about how she should not get a ticket in front of her child's school; because she thought she was Jeff Gordon at Darlington. I wish more of you would get pulled over and be embarrassed, maybe then you would stop driving like your trying to get Nextel Cup points. Thank you to the cop for doing his job despite the rain and this Jeff Gordon wannabe!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pre-King icon gets no YouTube love

Posted on Tuesday, November 17

I hate that with all the hype down town gets, NOBODY seems to have a video on YouTube or something with a clip of the old Sonny Goldberg commercial. He is a real Charleston icon and maybe he wasn't around for the NEW King St., but damn it he was awesome! Go, Sonny, Go Sonny Goldberg!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Here's a pop-tart, now get to work

Posted on Monday, November 16

When you're broke like me, spending a Sunday with the parents is like a mini-vacation. They pamper you and feed you for free and you can always swipe some extra toilet paper or Toaster Streudels lying around. But this Sunday turned out a little different than expected when I was awoken at 8 a.m. and informed that I'd be helping them move every piece of furniture in the house outside. Four hours and a gallon of sweat later I knew the real price of love.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Drunken crunkers bummed by lack of Lights

Posted on Thursday, November 12

Here's a hate message for last week's Pretty Lights hater. Instead of being pissed off at the out-of-towners who "trashed our city" and bothered police officers, the criticism should really go to the people who so poorly put on that Halloween party. The reason why drunk crunked people were roaming the streets was because permits weren't purchased and security kicked everyone out early. Also, there are other staff members who worked the party for the promise of hundreds in payment, and are now being conveniently avoided. So, instead of hating on a performer who gives fans his music online for free and everyone was in a tizzy to see, the real criticism should be placed on the production company who ripped off us all due to their own incompetence. Including the citizens of this fair city

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Bottom-feeding boys in blue make me blue

Posted on Wednesday, November 11

I'm not bitter that I got a speeding ticket...I am ANGRY because when I was 'apprehended,' I was driving down the road about to drop off my 4 year old at pre-school. I wouldn't have turned into the school had I thought he was even after me. So, when this baby cop came up to my window (I was directly in front of the school door now), I said i realize I sped, but can we NOT do this in front of the school? I said the other 4 year olds and their teachers will be out here on this sidewalk right in front of us in 30 seconds and I don't think my son should have to sit through this humiliation. So he moves us 20 feet down. Thanks for nothing. He then proceeds to write me up a ticket (it took TEN MINUTES)...I asked him repeatedly to please turn off the blue lights, so as to lessen the outright drama of it. Nope. THEN, the torrential rain starts, and my mood changes with it. I refused to be humble and sweet in the face of this, so when he finally showed up with his prized traffic ticket, I yanked it out of his hand. He then, predictably, made a huge deal out of that behavior (an obvious attempt to shift blame b/c if anything, he must've realized what a bottom-feeder move this whole thing was). Moral of the story: don't count on grace or class out of a guy in a uniform, you might instead receive complete disrespect and shame, and your little children might get to watch.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Nosy clerk wants to be your friend: Confirm or Ignore?

Posted on Monday, November 9

Facebook has officially crossed the line. It's gone outside of its digital boundaries and violated me. I'm checking out at Best Buy and the cashier gives me a quizzical once-over. "Hey man, where do I know you from?" Internally: "I've never seen you before, this is awkward, just let me buy my Wilco album and we'll pretend this never happened." Turns out one of my friend's tagged me in some photos from a party the night before, and now, thanks to the marvels of social networking, he "knows" me. Something tells me I wouldn't have been as upset if this was a random hot girl.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

All you weirdo outsiders ruined the pretty lights

Posted on Tuesday, November 3

To all the people that came up to see Pretty Lights last weekend only to have the shows cancelled last minute: Deserves You Right. There were so many annoying people from upstate and neighboring states rolling their nuts off, running out in front of cars, shot-gunning beers on the sidewalks and acting as though they have never been in an urban environment before. Besides the fact that Pretty Lights absolutely blows and is a disgrace to electronic music, (it's like the new Dave Matthew's for frat kids) the fact that you people can't have a good time otherwise, rather than trash our city and bother our police officers out of spite is obnoxious as best.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The roof, the roof is on fire

Posted on Monday, November 2

The new fire marshal sucks! He would rather see a riot in the streets than a reputable business going a little over their occupancy. Guess he was hired by the same guy who banned the art walks. Does anyone else remember when Charleston was a fun town? It only takes a couple of bad seeds to ruin a good town. Where are we going next? I'm ready.

Womb watching paddle zapper empties wallet

Posted on Monday, November 2

I don't wanna get into something along the lines of our current national healthcare debate. Let's be honest, though. The healthcare industry has needed a good bitch slap for quite some time now. What a bunch of bullies when it comes to actual charges. I'll make my point using those damned ultrasound machines. It's over $800 a pop to use these jokers! That can't be right. A certain A-list celebrity recently bought one for roughly $800,000 and I bet it was "top of the line". So, let's say one is used only 5 times a day and only five days a week. At $800 a pop, they've paid for that #@!& long wooden mixing spoon %$#@ of a contraption in 10 months!!! Next time you have to have an ultrasound, at least fart on it while you're there.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Deep thinker invites more thoughts

Posted on Friday, October 30

Now lets talk a waste of space. There are many thinks that waste a lot more space than this. Take for example any bill or letter or snail mail spam. They all have some sort of think that they already sent you previously but they insist on sending it to you again. Now lets look at politics shall we? All the bills in congress have to be over 1500 pages long. Who the fuck reads this shit? Most of it is bull shit not related to the bill itself. There are many people in politics that are wasting space right now. Most of which came from this state here. Lets not forget the fat fucks too. They have to get special seats on the fucking bus and special toilets to hold their fat asses up. Am I forgetting anyone here? If so leave a comment and I will get to you. Thank you for reading my waste of space... Have a good day!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

College Cujo needs to eat its owners

Posted on Thursday, October 29

Dear college folks across the street from my smith street house, I think you need to euthanize your dog. I'm under the impression that you've sectioned off the front room of your house so that the rabid dog you keep doesn't rip your throats out. This dog barks probably 6 hours a day and sounds like it is hungry for blood. It echoes through my house and down the street like a horror movie. I do see people go into your house. I don't sit on my porch long enough to see them leave, so I'm going to safely assume that you feed them to your flesh-hungry dog. I am guessing it barks because of every fucking college student that passes your home in the morning. I thought after a few months that it would get used to foot traffic but obviously not. I'm assuming you can't walk the pup because it would rip off someone's leg below the knee, judging by the way it feels about people walking by your window. I think all of Smith street between vanderhorst and calhoun would be a lot happier if you moved, euthanize your dog, or got eaten by the dog. I am not sure which would be better, but one of those options might shut your fucking dog up and leave us all in peace.

Lolita goth hottie scared of skeezers

Posted on Thursday, October 29

Old, skeezy men stay home this Halloween. I like getting dressed up, or dressed down, and going out on this festive occasion. I do not however like being the object of some old man's extreme sexual fantasy. So stop buying me drinks like you own me, stop demanding my attention on the dance floor, and for the love of all things good, leave me alone on the way home. And if you're not going to abide by these simple rules, don't get offended when I say "Go fuck yourself."

High five handicap makes me sad

Posted on Thursday, October 29

I hate people that high five. I'm not a high five type of person. But if a person puts their hand up and you refuse, you just seem like a lame jerk. So they're forcing you to do this thing that you don't want to do. Then if it's a bad high five, it's even worse. It makes me feel bad about myself if I can't high five well. And then I'm like, WTF, I'm really feeling bad about myself because I can't slap someone's hand really hard?? Down with high fivers!

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