Silence of Lucky

I need a job.  I brushed off my old resume and instead of putting work experience I just wrote- I'll Suck Your Dick. 

Fast and Furious opens this weekend.  Does the title describe the movie or how people are going to be leaving the theatre?  The one thing I like about Vin Diesel is that his name perfectly describes the movies he makes.  Vin- short and tight; Diesel- it's going to smell like gas.

Marriage is like a roller coaster.  There are lots of ups and downs, and lots of screaming "Get me off this thing." 

My wife recently told me she doesn't want to be married.  Is there an app for that? 

A friend had a baby recently.  She gave me a very honest assessment of parenthood.  She said I love my baby more than anything in the world, and if I didn't, I'd kill it.

Southerners love BBQ.  Cooking a pig slowly, for hours and hours and hours, is one of the few things we do well.  We all have our favorite places, and they're never easy to get to:

A:Hey I'd like to go to that BBQ restaurant you mentioned, do you know their number, so I can call them.

B:Oh they don't have a phone.

A:Well how do you contact them?

B:Carrier pigeon

A: Ok. Then what.

B: Then they come find you

A:How do they know where I am?

B:Oh they'll know. And be ready, because they're going to blindfold you and throw you in the back of the trunk

A:I don't want that.

B:Dude the ribs are so tender, trust me. But do say goodbye to your family and friends because you'll be gone 6 to 8 months.

A:Seriously doesn't sound worth it.

B:Oh it's worth it. You'll never be able to eat bbq again it is that good. That and the trauma you'll suffer.

A: Trama?

B:You're about to get waterboarded.

A:What?

B: But then they bring you the bbq.

A: Better be a nice big plate.

B:They don't have plates. They throw it on the floor and you eat it like a dog. They're all standing around laughing at you. You're naked.

A: Naked?

B: You don't want them pissing on your clothes.

A:You know what, I am not interested.

B: Oh, it's too late. A series of events have been set into motion that you are no longer in control of. And I hope you like banana pudding, because you're about to get rammed in the ass with it.

Used to be if you moved far away from your hometown, you wouldn't see your people again for the rest of your life.

Then phones came along and allowed us to keep in contact with the ones we love even if we lived thousand of miles apart.

Then call waiting and cellphones came along, allowing us to break off contact with people we had no interest in talking to.

Then Texting came and it allowed us to reconnect with the people we had no interest in talking to.

Then came Friendster.  Find people you used to be friends with.  That lasted all of 30 seconds, and now those Friendster people just need to kill themselves.  I guess I still have an account with them because in my email inbox I keep getting Friendster message notifications.  I was interested, because I respect an organization trying to make a comeback.  They were just spam for porn sites.

Then came Myspace.  Good old Myspace.  That's the social networking site I grew to know and love.  But now Myspace is so lonely.  I log in now and I see tumbleweeds going across my screen.  I go look at people's pages and they haven't logged in since 2005.  The last time I went on Myspace I actually had a friend request.  I emailed the person- what is wrong with you?  This party is way over.

Then Facebook.  I am on it, but Myspace was my first love, and Facebook is just keeping the sheets warm.  My wife, on the other hand, is so addicted to Facebook I now have to communicate with her through status updates.  And all my friends don't need to know the David Lee Nelson is Naked in the Next Room.  And her friends don't need to know that my wife Is Not Interested.

And now there's Twitter.  I heard someone talking about it.  It sounded like a porn site.  Like barely legal girls masturbating.  So I checked out the website, and I found out it's not young girls masturbating.  It's people you know telling you what they're doing all the time.  Which sounds a lot like masturbating to me.

Best Supporting Actress

Marissa Tomei- Thank you for getting naked, but you have as much chance of winning the Oscar as Joe Pesci does of winning a court case in Southern Alabama.  When they open the envelope this time, there will not be a mistake

Penelope Cruz- If I knew going to Barcelona meant having a threesome with Cruz and Scarlett Johansson I would have gone a long time ago.  Oh, wait.  I did go.  And I ended up in a bed withmy best friend. Screw you Javier Bodem.

Viola Davis- Strong performance of a woman protecting her young gay son.  Or is it?  I know one thing without any Doubt, she will not be winning the Oscar.  Give this girl a tissue.

Taraji P. Henson- Run, Forrest, Run.  Oh, wrong movie.

and the Oscar goes to:

Amy Adams- She is so luminous as the naive little nun.  And we all know this is a make up Oscar to her getting robbed for Enchanted.

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey, Jr.- And the best black face goes to...

Philip Seymour Hoffman- I love PSH as much as the next unemployed actor.  But he should just sit in the back doing a little script analysis because he won't be any where close to the podium this evening.

Michael Shannon- Look on the bright side, the next off Broadway show you do for $375 a week will at least be able to put Academy Award Nominee in your bio.

Josh Brolin- He was awesome in this movie.  So angry.  So Right Wing.  So Straight.  So ...alive...

and the Oscar goes to:

Heath Ledger- Awesome performance+hot young actor+ Drug overdose= Posthumous Oscar

Best Actress:

Melissa Leo- I think we used to wait tables together.

Angelina Jolie- Not Without my Daughter 2.  Girl Interrupted 2.  Not Without My Oscar 1

Anne Hathaway-I saw this movie in Allentown, PA.  I went into a gas station to ask where the movie theatre was.  They told me.  Saw the movie.  Went back to same gas station after movie.  Woman asked me if I found the theater and what I saw.  I said Rachel Getting Married.  She said, "Are You Gay?"

Meryl Streep- I am less shocked that she got nominated for this than the fact that she didn't get nominated for Mamma Mia.

and the Oscar goes to:

Kate Winslet- This movie was boring.  But she gets naked.  A lot.  And that is award enough.

Best Actor:

Richard Jenkins- I'm so happy for the dad from Six Feet Under.  Hope he enjoys the free swag, because that will be the only thing he is taking home tonight

Frank Langela- "I am not a crook."  You also aren't a winner at tonight's Oscars.

Brad Pitt- Oh, wow, they really had some cool makeup on you Brad.  Too bad your performance was as plastic as the latex on your pretty little face.

Mickey Rourke- Call this The Eddie Murphy Rule.  Are they really going to give an Oscar to Mickey Rourke.  Really?

and the Oscar goes to:

Sean Penn- So good, so convincing, so politically correct.

Best Picture:

Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Long-check; emotionally manipulative-check; Cate Blanchett-check.  All the elements are there for an Oscar win, but not this year.  Adopt another kid there Brad.

Frost/Nixon- Journalist taking down a Republican President-check; historically significant-check.  But it is a new day, hope is in the air, and there is no room for a Republican in the spotlight

Milk- Man sex- check; Sean Penn-check.  Man this is close, but oh, man Emile Hirsh is a sexy queen, but...call Hugo Chavez, Sean, he'll make you feel better

The Reader- Did anyone see this movie?  It's ai-ght.  It's no Boy in the Stripped Pajamas.

and the Oscar goes to:

Slumdog Millionaire- Not only is this movie brilliant, but most of us in America are as broke as some slumdogs and who doesn't want to become a millionaire.  And nab that hot Indian chick.  Yum Yum Curry.  She'll make my flat bread give rice pudding any day of the week.

The best thing about New York is, you never know who could show up.

Last night I was hosting the 8 o'clock at Gotham Comedy Club and my friend was in town, visiting from Montana.  I told him to come hang out with me at the show because Gotham is a pretty swanky place and as I walked in the door and everybody saying hi to me, I looked like a pretty swanky guy.

As soon as I arrived one of the managers came up to me and said we needed to talk.  My stomach immediately went into knots as I started making up excuses to things I possibly could have done.

He shut the door in the light booth and said:

" Seinfeld is going to closing the show."

"Jerry Seinfeld?"  I asked, like there was another famous Seinfeld brother.

"Yes.  He's called the club and it's confirmed."

Now Seinfeld is a fairly influential figure in my life.  I have probably seen every episode of his sitcom.  The night of the last episode in 1998 was the first time I ever tried to kiss my wife.  A move she politely declined.  And here he was, about to be closing the show I was hosting.

This was awesome.  To my friend, I was going to seem like the hippest person in the city.  Hosting at this uber-classy club, working with Seinfeld, just a normal Tuesday.  Having a late dinner with Woody Allen at Nobu later on.  De Niro might join us.

I walked back to my friend and wrote on the back of a napkin, "Seinfeld is closing the show."  He gave me a fist pump and said, Wow.  I know.  That's what happens when you roll with David Lee Nelson.

As the time he was supposed to arrive began to draw closer, the tension amongst those who knew began to mount.  As I brought up the different comics I began to arrange the stage to his liking.  Stool placed back in the corner.  Bottled water placed on the corner of the stage.  The crowd probably thought I was OCD and crazy.

When Seinfeld walked into the club I became totally star struk.  And not in the way I thought I would.  Not of him as the comic icon and television star, but of him as a multi multi millionaire.  I had never been that close to someone who had that much money.  It was an exhilaratingly humiliating experience.  Here is this human being, with a heart, a liver, a life expectancy, yet he has more money than all of Africa combined.  And before I introduced him I started to worry if I should shake his hand as I brought him on stage.  Or if that would offend him?  That's when it became clear to me that money is royalty in this country.  And since he had so much of it, I had to wondered if I was worthy to shake his hand or not.

I shook it.  But as I walked back to my friend, for some reason, I no longer felt like the hippest guy in the city.  I felt like someone with empty pockets in a room full of millionaires.

But hey, at least I'm in the room... right?