Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You might be a Republican If...

Posted by Will Moredock on Wed, Oct 13, 2010 at 10:37 PM

I know it sounds like a Jeff Foxworthy routine, but somebody named Bruce Linder has a very funny shtick about Republicans. Here are 25 laughs at the GOP. See the other 25 at http://addictinginfo.org/news.php?post=32.

You Might be a Republican If..........

By Bruce Linder

1) You believe George W. Bush's redistribution of middle-class tax cuts to the top
1% of tax-payers was good for America, but Obama's plan to return it to the
middle class is 'socialism.'
2) You believe stem cells are living human beings, but thousands of Iraqi children
are 'expendable collateral damage.'
3) You believe tax cuts for billionaires is a great idea, yet you wonder why the
economy has stalled, your job just got outsourced to India, and oil company
executives receive $400,000,000.00 retirement packages.
4) You believe the surge worked because the violence in Iraq is back to 2006 levels,
which is only horrible, compared to what it was in 2007; intolerable. Besides, Brit
Hume said so.
5) You think trial lawyers are harmful to America, yet you support prosecuting some
guy in Muncie Indiana who burned his 99¢ American flag that was made in China
by forced child labor.
6) You're all for the 'rule of law' when it's applied to Bill Clinton for lying about his
infidelity, but not for prosecuting Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for committing
treason.
7) You think George W. Bush is actually a really smart guy, but his folksy manner
just makes him seem dumber than he really is.
8) You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own, and
that those who are born to poverty and never have opportunities for
advancement, got what they deserved.
9) You believe Ronald Reagan was a great president who had complete control of
all aspects of government, but the Iran-Contra Affair was an insignificant scandal
that went on without his knowledge.
10) You believe Democrats tax and spend, but George W. Bush was a fiscal
conservative.
11) You believe Oliver North, who was CONVICTED of perjury, obstruction of justice,
destroying evidence and accepting bribes, is a patriot. But John Kerry, who saved
a man's life while under enemy fire in Vietnam is a coward.
12) You believe George W. Bush kept us safe from terror, and the failure to prevent
the 9/11 attacks were Clinton's fault.
13) You actually believe Fox News is fair & balanced.
14) You still believe Saddam had truckloads of WMDs, and that he somehow
managed to sneak them into Syria, right under our noses.
15) You believe Terri Schiavo was sentient all along, and Bill Frist had the ability to
diagnose her condition by watching a 5 second video of her sleeping.
16) You're in favor of stronger prison sentences for drug users, yet your favorite radio
personality is Rush Limbaugh.
17) You complain about having to press 1 for English, yet you hire undocumented
workers to mow your lawn because they're cheaper than hiring the kid next door.
18) Homosexuality is abhorrent to you, except when a Republican senator, the
president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and a planted White House
journalist get caught having sexual affairs with gay men. Then you suddenly feel
sorry for them.
19) The war in Iraq makes perfect sense to you, but any suggestion by Barack
Obama that we target al Qaeda specifically is 'dangerous and reckless.'
20) You don't mind that president Bush tortured men who were never charged with a
crime, yet you're horrified by the wrath of al Qaeda when they capture one of our
guys.
21) You believe the 1/10 of 1% of scientists who claim global warming is a hoax, and
reject the 99.9% who say it's real, because Sean Hannity and his friends in the oil
industry have convinced you that science is a part of a greater liberal conspiracy.
22) You believe patriotism means you should support your government right or wrong
... unless a Democrat's in power, then it's your patriotic duty to call him a closet
Muslim, challenge his birth certificate, expose his sex life and impeach him.
23) You're proud of your party's 'culture of life.' Yet you support the death penalty for
minors, you believe 600,000 dead Iraqis is justified because one of them was
Saddam Hussein, and you oppose confronting the genocide in Darfur because
they don't have oil.
24) You support prayer in school, as long as your kids aren't subjected to Muslim
prayers.
25) You think Darwin's theory of evolution is a loony fairy tale, and mankind actually
began with two naked teenagers, a magic apple and a talking snake.


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