Silence of Lucky

If you went back ten years, to 1998, and explained the past eight years, no one would believe it.  It would sound like one of those insane dreams you try and recount to your friends the next day:

Oh man, I had the weirdest dream.  George Bush's son became president.  Yeah, the guy who used to own the Rangers.  But he only won by like, 5 votes or something crazy like that.  Yeah and the other guy said he won and they argued back and forth- Republicans were protesting...But at first it was fine because he was always on vacation.  And he vacationed in a really awful town in Texas.

Anyway, but then we were attacked, and it was horrible-and the people who did it were from Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, but we then attacked Iraq- I know, it doesn't make any sense.

And then he ran for reelection against Frankenstein.  I swear to God, he ran against Frankenstein, and Frankenstein's wife was in the ketchup business and...  and then a storm wiped out New Orleans.  And people were living in the Super Dome and Bush said everybody was doing a really great job while the place was under water.

Chinese infants were winning Gold Medals in the Olympics.

And then the economy totally went under, everybody lost their jobs, it was crazy, people were freaking out.  And right before I woke up we elected a black guy as our next president, and he had the weirdest name... what was it... oh,  his name was Barack Hussein Obama.

I'm never eating before bed again.

Weekends used to end early when I was a kid. Sunday mornings, mom would come down the stairs open my door and say the most dreaded phrase eve: "Time to go to church." That meant the weekend was officially over. There were those rare mornings when she would let us skip mass- when that happened it was as if God was answering my prayers.

I come from a religiously mixed marriage. My mom is a Catholic and my dad is a golfer. As we were praying for world peace, my dad was praying not to three putt.

It creates a weird religious experience having one parent take you to church while the other is enjoying his Sunday morning. If you believe in Christianity then you have to believe in heaven and also in hell:

"Mommy, since daddy's not in church, does that mean he's going to hell?"

And my sweet little mother looked down at me and without blinking an eye said:

"Yes."

I recently took a six am flight to North Carolina, and a six am flight back to New York.  I enjoy flying at six am.  No lines, no delays.  The only problem is after I tell my wife about the six am flight she refuses to have sex with me.   Women on six am flights have the same facial expressions- a mix of exhaustion and figuring out how to kill her husband for booking this flight.  It's only men who will book a flight at that time of the day to save a little money.  Men just see the black and white of the money being saved.  Women take into account that two days are going to be ruined in the process.

Six am flights are the best because all the passangers have the same objective in mind: get me back to sleep.  And you know the person sitting next to you won't be chatting you up.  "Where are you coming from?"  "Bed you moron."

This is how I want the people I am flying with.  Not jacked up, ready to go.  Not sitting around all morning, imagining all the terrible scenarios that could play out, arguing with the flight attendants in their head.  Not fighting rush hour traffic and driving around, searching for parking.  I want them so tired that they pass out as soon as the cram their carry on into the over head bin.  I want everyone acting like it's an hour after Thanksgiving dinner, and the coffee has worn off and the food coma starts to kick in.

Those are the people I want to be flying with.  And if it prevents me from having sex for a little while, so be it.

I swear to God this is true:

"John McCain Won Senate Congeniality Contest"

-Washington

The lies of John McCain continue.  Running on his Maverick, out-sider, take no prisoners image, John McCain has claimed several times that he "never won any Senate Congeniality competitions."  However Senate records show that McCain twice won the annual Senate Congeniality Competition.  In fact, he won by such a landslide in 1987, he was asked not to compete the following year, so as to give others a chance.

"This is appaling," said fellow Senator and the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden.  "For him to say he never won the competition is a slap in the face to all Americans.  I worked across the aisle to make sure he won.  Of course it was easy considering he won 97-2."

Republicans defended the Senator's position.

"When McCain says he didn't win the competition he means that since he won by such a large amount, it wasn't really a contest.  And how can you win if it wasn't a contest," according to Arlen Spector (R, PA).  "This is just another attempt by the Obama campaign to smear John McCain.  The American people know who the real John McCain is a real ornery S.O.B.  And that's who the American people want leading them the next four years.

When asked for a comment a McCain spokesperson told this reporter to "burn in hell" followed by " see, that's the kind of leadership you get from John McCain.  He's a total asshole.  American's know that."

Last night I was wondering what G.W. Bush is going to do after he gets out of office.  It might be hard for him to find a job considering how he has failed on such a spectacular level.  Most ex-presidents make a lot of money going around, giving speeches, but as we all know, public speaking isn't one of his strong suits.

Doesn't he seems like the kind of guy who makes a really good salsa.  That could be a business opportunity for him right there.  George W. Bush- Salsa.  Could have three temperatures- Mild, Medium, and Nu-ca-lur.  He could put his face on the jar, Paul Newman style.  Conservatives would love it because they'd think he was a bad ass, liberals would love it for the irony.

He could do commercials for them- "George W. Bush Peach Salsa- There's peaches in the salsa."   "I'm George W. Bush and I approve this salsa."  The possibilities are endless.

He could make his own brand of terrorist salsa.  We'd all know it's simply hummus, but it'd be fun for him.

"George W. Bush Salsa- You eat it with chips"

"George W. Bush- It's a heckofa Salsa"

Seriously, this is brilliant.