Silence of Lucky

-I'm excited about this election because we have a chance to make history. If Barack Obama is elected he will be the first president in history who's name is not recognized by my spell check.

-In the United States we call our severe weather patterns La Nina. Do you think Latinos call it, Spoiled American Brat.

“We're live from Guadalajara, and Spoiled American Brat is causing havoc. It's dropping rain, wind, and eating disorders all over the shore line. If you want to avoid manic depression, please stay inside. I repeat, this storm carries with it sleet, hail, and extreme laziness. Avoid it at all costs.”

-I think I'm officially becoming a New Yorker because whenever I leave the city and go in someone's house first thing I ask- how many other families live here? And I think my friends are rich based on the smallest things. Oh my God, how can you afford a washing machine? And grass outside your apartment is yours to use? Holy Mother of What!

A utility room. That is just rubbing it in. That's just a room that sits the bench- if you need it we can put whatever in there. We just keep this room around, just in case.

Or Rec Rooms. “Yeah, we just keep this room around around for fun. It's a whole room dedicated to fun and merriment.” What people outside of New York call rec-rooms, we call bars.

-If God created everything, then he created hell too. That means he has a wicked freaky side. It's like going to over the the nicest guy in the world's house, he's giving you the grand tour:

“This is the children's hospital, this is where I house grieving mothers, and back here - this is the dungeon where I torture souls for eternity. Yeah, this is where I keep people who cross me. If you're not careful, you could end up there too. No, they have no chance of leaving. Are you kidding me? Some of those people down there masturbated. How could they not burn? Hey, come on, I'm dying to show you the pool.”

I'm so sick of status updates in facebook.

Rachel is bored.

Rachel is watching TV.

Rachel is going to sleep.

Rachel is painting her toe nails.

Rachel is looking in the fridge for something to eat but she can't find anything so she might go to the grocery store but that makes her angry because she was just there yesterday and gas is so expensive now she really wants pizza but that would under mind all the work she's been doing at the gym. Oh wait, her mother just called. Got to take it. She's called me four times today and haven't answered and she's such a worrier. Hi Mom, oh nothing, i'm giving a status update on Facebook.

And some of the stuff people are telling us they're doing is way too personal. I saw this one:

Britney is getting a cyst removed from her eye.

So that means that while the doctor is performing surgery... on your face... you've pulled out your iphone and proceeded to tell your 243 friends about it.

And wall posts. Wall posts are email conversations that everyone can see. Nothing makes me angrier. I know married people who leave their spouses wall posts. Why don't you just go to the kitchen and tell them yourself. And sometimes it's like, “sorry about last night.” Oh good now I know you're fighting. And apparently telling everyone.

This all stems from our desires to be famous. And if we can't be movie stars and have the paparazzi following our every move, or if we can't be on The Real World, then we'll shine the light on ourselves, every chance we get.

Both sides of my family came to this country in the 1600’s.  They came in search of new beginnings and a better life. I used to view them coming over in the infancy of our new nation with pride.  Like they were heroes, fearless pioneers on the cusp of history.  But in reality, they must have been total losers.  If they had been chilling out in their country house in England, in the hot tub, drinking beers, eating mutton, they wouldn’t have needed to go check out the new colonies that were forming in Virginia.

This was the 1600’s and it was not easy getting over here.  Even for white people.  You had to climb on a creaky, wooden sailboat, survive storms, malnutrition, scurvy, seasickness, childbirth, and maybe, if the winds were right and your captain wasn’t drunk, you would arrive in the New World.  And simply surviving the harrowing passage of the Atlantic was no assurance of success.  Once in America, people were dropping like flies.  Dying of starvation, freezing to death. Dying in childbirth, of flu, pneumonia, small pox, and diseases we can't even think on mentioning. There were new diseases they didn’t have the immunities to deal with. There was loneliness, isolation, and loss of family.  It’s a miracle any of them survived.  And taking all of this into account, when the time came to leave Europe my family was like, “Sign me up.” 

So were we brave? Were we crazy? Were pawns? Were we canon fodder? Or were we just people who said...Fuck it? If I die, if it all goes bad, at least it wasn't in one place. At least I won't die saying if only I had gone to America. Because what if I had made it? What if I tackled all the odds? What if I just got on board that ship, ahhh, I could be on top of the world. That's the price of greatness-failure. And this country allows more people the opportunity to fail then any other country in the history of the earth.

God Bless the USA

Men talk about sex in baseball terms- 1^st base, 2^nd base, 3^rd. We have set ourselves up as the hitter and the woman up as the pitcher. And we want to have the highest possible batting average against a woman with the lowest possible ERA. Preferably in the middle of a no hitter. Ideally the first time she's ever been on the field.

Women cannot participate in the baseball analogy when they talk about sex because they are the pitcher. They can't say:

“I was getting hammered out there. Giving up hits left and right. Singles doubles triples, I even gave up an inside the park homerun, I don't even know what that is.”

Women should try shopping analogies when they talk about sex. Which makes sense because men have to hit the woman's best pitch, women can just choose whichever outfit they want.

“I went out last night, I was just looking- and I saw something really cute, on sale. I tried in on but it was way too small. So I just took it back and got a new one.”

I’m turning 30 very soon.  I mentioned this to my friend and he sarcastically asked me if I had made a bucket list of things to do before I turn 30.  Which I thought was a great idea.  Here is a list of things you have to do before you turn 30 because after that, it is just too late:

Getting a Tattoo:  Getting tattoos before you’re 30 is a way of finding yourself, a form of self-expression.  Getting a tattoo after you’re 30 is a cry for help.  I mean think about your grandkids asking you about your tattoo and what you’d have to tell them.

“I was 22 when I got this done.  I drove to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, drank for two straight days and I got a tattoo to celebrate the occasion.” That is a lot better then, “I was  31, on my lunch break, it was my third anniversary at Douche Bag and Associates, and I got this tattoo on my arm.  And I even made it to Jamba Juice before I had to go back to the office.”  Same principle applies to piercing of body, dying of hair, or any other body modification that is not Pilates.

New Drugs:  If you’re in your 20s it is perfectly acceptable to try a drug you have yet to experience.  It means you’re fun. You’re daring.  You’re a little crazy.  But if you’re trying new drugs once your past 30, your nuts.  What are you doing with your life?  Seriously.  Look at yourself in the mirror and get your act together.  You’ve been trying new drugs for 10 years.  What is left?  You’ll have to start inventing your own drugs.  And from there it is a short trip to running some meth lab in Bamburg, SC.  You have a college degree for goodness sakes.  Act like it.  

Couch Surfing:  There’s something romantic about being in your 20’s, going to a new town, not having an apartment, and letting the chips fall where the may.  It means you’re adventurous.  If you’re couch surfing after you turn 30, it means you’re homeless.  So if you want to be a burden to your friends I recommend you do it before you hit 30.  It’s easy to couch surf on a futon, it’s more difficult on an expensive sofa from Bloomingdale’s.

Camping Out For Tickets to Anything:  Once you hit 30, it is no longer acceptable to camp out for tickets to anything.  Concerts, movies, iphones, playstation 3’s, if buying the object requires you to sleep anywhere other then your house or at the minimum a Motel 6, you cannot buy it.