Thursday, April 17, 2014

Southern Charm recap: Guns, hogs, and the triumph of true love

Blessings and all

Posted by Stephanie Barna on Thu, Apr 17, 2014 at 11:44 AM

Please remember that you heard it here first. Thomas and Kathryn had a baby girl a few weeks ago and the official news was released this week via Bravo TV's website. Turns out my sources were impeccable. They even had the name right. 

Now that we know this information, how does that change the show? Are we suddenly rooting for Thomas and Kathryn's true love to overcome the hate? They're a tough couple to root for. He's a delusional dolt and she's a trampy, overmade-up awkward thing. 

But lo and behold, this episode gives us some sweet insight into young Kathryn. Without her tarantula eye installation, she proves to be quite pretty. She and T-Rav discuss an upcoming dinner with her family, who don't drink because her great-grandfather was murdered over alcohol. How will Thomas, who's been drunk on every single episode, get along with teetotalers? Will he bring a flask? Please oh please, pack a flask! 

Unfortunately, he leaves the whiskey behind, and we are treated to a lovely sing-song blessing, a pitcher of sweet tea, a darling grandma, and a pair of non-judgmental loving parents. Shit is starting to get normal, and I'm starting to fall in love with her a little bit myself. What's happening here?!

click image bravo.png

When T-Rav and Mr. Dennis have a mano y mano, did you get a little verklempt? I mean, how sweet was that?

Apparently, the Dennis women like their men well-seasoned. Daddy's sister married a man that was 40 years older. I bet he was rich.

And rich people do not drink wine from Walmart or shop for furniture at Home Depot. Apparently, they've never even been to Home Depot, because they do not sell furniture there. These are the gems we learn about the people of Southern Charm this episode.  

If you were unclear that Shep lives a charmed life, a trip to his family's hunting cabin — on land that's been in the family since the 1700s — should put it all in sharp focus. This bro is Southern royalty, and why wouldn't he chase tail and hunt hogs? You'd probably do the same thing if you were that loaded. 

And when it comes to hunting, Shep's got big ambition. He pops up at 6 a.m. to ride four-wheelers and go hunting. T-Rav, a convicted felon, gets to sleep in because he's not allowed to shoot guns anymore. And what does it say about JD that he wants to stab a pig after it's been shot? That sounds like the first step in becoming a serial killer.

Time for some country gentleman wisdom. Alan, the Hunt Master, knows everything about everything. And one thing he knows is that a bunch of yahoos from Charleston with too many guns will shoot one of the dogs. So he only lets the boys have one gun each. "Let the dogs lead and we'll follow," advises Alan, and they are off on the hunt. I guess Boykins are used for duck hunting, so a bunch of hound dogs lead them into the woods. Bye bye boys. Be safe. 

Back in Charleston, the girls pick up Kathryn (sans tarantulas) for a long uncomfortable ride to the country where they try to find out what sort of delusions Kathryn is harboring. Cameran thinks she's naive, beautiful, and brimming with fecundity. And Thomas "goes inside her," which is Cameran's way of saying unprotected sex. Ew. Apparently, Thomas told Kathryn when she gets pregnant they'll get married immediately. Guess that didn't happen. Whoops. 

Whitney is weird, and he politely tolerates Kathryn and her weirdness. But there's only so much weird one group can stand. 

More evidence of Shep's royal status: Robert Ed, his very own pitmaster, who cooks up some whole hog — and leads the blessing.  

Another mano y mano for T-Rav, this time it's an awkward moment with Whitney. Thomas is obviously falling for Kathryn and now Whitney must make sure to fuck this shit up. He drops the bomb on T-Rav: I hooked up with Kathryn. Oh dear. Now what? 

This episode was a rather dull build up to next week's finale. Will T-Rav follow his head and dump Kathryn? Will he listen to his "friends" and realize she's an attention whore just using him for status? Or will true love trump all? I guess we don't have to stay tuned, because we know how this works out. 

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