. Over the course of the next four months, winners will be crowned and losers will be kicked to the curb. In the end, the Top 3 will be given the opportunity to perform during the Charleston Comedy Fest in January.
While I'm not a particularly funny guy, I've often thought about entering the contest. Now, observational comedy isn't my thing, and I can't do an imitation to save my life. And when it comes to delivering a punchline, well, I've never successfully told a joke — ever.
So what's a guy with no inherent comedic ability to do to win a stand-up competition? Well, I'd quote John Rocker. And not just any quote from the former Atlanta Braves closer, mind you. I'm talking about the racist quotes in his disastrous Dec. 1999 interview
with Sports Illustrated that ultimately turned him into a major league pariah.
Picture this: a sweaty, hairy dude steps on stages. It's me, and I'm probably two-out-of-three sheets to the wind, and then I say:
"So many dumb asses don't know how to drive in this town. They turn from the wrong lane. They go 20 miles per hour. It makes me want -— Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman. How bad are Asian women at driving?"
Hilarious, right. And there's more. Next I'd talk about my — er, Rocker's hatred — of the Big Apple:
"It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."
Let me guess, you're laughing so hard, you might wet your pants. Well, brace yourself, because this next bit is comedy gold:
"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"
I don't know about you, but that shit'll kill. The Comedy Fest trophy is mine for the motherfucking taking. That is unless John Rocker himself decides to enter the competition.
See, the former Brave is now a columnist
for the World Net Daily, a paranoid, far-right media org that's not-so-lovingly called the World Nut Daily. And during his brief tenure there, Rocker has shown that his particular brand of comedy hasn't changed all that much.
Fortunately, Mark Burnett and the gang at the long-running CBS reality show "Survivor" are apparently big fans. Today, the Eye Network announced
that Rocker and his lady love were going to be a part of the latest season of "Survivor."
Obviously, they choose Rocker because they were expecting fireworks — after all, the ex-baller loves to speak his politically incorrect mind. However, last year CBS came under fire when they hired a bunch of racist firecrackers to drop white-trash bon mots during the 2013 season of "Big Brother." In fact, the causal racist comments were so frequent the Eye was forced to run a disclaimer before each episode. In the end, two Big Brother contestants were fired from their jobs for comments they made on the show.
With that in mind, Rocker may not have been the wisest choice for CBS if they were looking to avoid controversy. After all, if his recent columns in the World Net Daily are any indication, he's still just a racist asshole.
I've compiled a few excerpts for you to read. Enjoy.
"Black Mobs and Media Malpractice," 10.29.13
Our media’s view on race is that blacks and other minorities are always the victim and that whites (or “white Hispanics”) are always the ones doing the victimizing. Once an individual or group achieves “victim” status from our race-baiting American mainstream media, a wrong thing they cannot do. Media will tirelessly fan the flames of racial dissent and more often than not be the ones actually responsible for convincing the “victims” that they in fact ARE victims when such a prior notion didn’t exist.
"Redskins' New Name: The Washington Leeches," 10.07.13
The left hates our past, due to that very homogeneity and unity of culture that is embodied by our founders. They didn’t have to worry about the construction of mosques on hallowed ground, “transgenders” demanding free sex changes and illegal immigrants expecting citizenship despite breaking the laws of our land. We had a unified culture that allowed us to band together to create an independent nation that would allow for liberty and freedom to flourish, not be stifled. Or as Charlton Heston put it: “Those wise old dead white guys that invented this country knew what they were talking about.”
The Patriot mascot celebrates that controversial legacy, and so far, it hasn’t elicited any calls for a name change like the Redskins have. We can all be thankful for that, but how long will it be before the Professional Anti-Racists come after them, especially considering the Patriot looks like one of those government-hating tea partiers?
The sad fact is that the Redskins and other teams with controversial names will be forced to change those names to placate the demands of the PC Inquisition. When you have the full force of the media and the political elite demanding that you do something, it is hard to hold out against that tide. Just look at the issue of gay marriage. The American media pumped out an endless series of TV shows and movies designed to promote the normalcy of homosexuality and same-sex marriage and eventually won the propaganda war. If they can win on an issue as sacred and time-honored as marriage, do you really think a lousy football team has a chance of beating them?
"Media Hatred for White-Hispanics," 07.15.13
What happened on the night of Feb. 26, 2012 in Sanford, Fla., between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin was a tragedy. What has happened since that fateful night is nothing short of an American farce, exacerbated by racial demagogues, the Obama administration and a media that poured 10-gallons of anti-white gasoline onto a small fire that really had nothing to do with white people at all.
"I'd Rather Profile Than Cower in Fear," 04.29.13
Brace yourselves – you are about to hear one of the single most controversial phrases in the English lexicon: profiling.
Crime stats dictate that when you are looking for a serial killer, he usually fits a certain profile. When there’s a shooting in downtown Chicago the perpetrator generally fits a certain criteria, which makes Toure and Mark Lamont Hill go into fits of hysteria, but keep in mind, folks, profiles/stereotypes don’t just create themselves. They evolve over time as similar situations repetitively occur consistently involving individuals of a common nature(s).
When a terrorist attack happens, time and time again, the suspect almost always falls along a certain set of easily knowable but – in our politically correct age – unsayable criteria, which helps law enforcement track him down as quickly as possible.
David Sirota, a limp-wristed writer for Salon who earns a living trying to convince the public that white Americans are the greatest threat to the country’s stability, prayed for white American bombers to be the culprits in two separate pieces he published [italics, mine].
He so badly wanted to be able to shove it in the face of Middle America to show that they too are capable of such horrific actions.
While a controversial statement, many on the left silently agreed, ready to feast on the Second Coming of Timothy McVeigh. It wasn’t politically expedient (and exploitable) to those on the left for the terrorists be Muslims.
"The State Religion: White Guilt," 02.25.13
It’s all too clear the political class within the United States is viciously opposed to middle-America Caucasians.
The political class ignores concern about rampant illegal immigration, which is destroying the United States.
They ignore fears about our budgetary crisis, which will result in a debt inherited by your children and grandchildren.
The political class ignores gun-control statistics and continues to scapegoat responsible gun owners as dangerous menaces to society.
Rest assured, though: The political class might ignore your concerns, but they are not ignoring you.
The United States government is apparently readying itself for a massive war against Middle America.
As reported on Alex Jones’ Infowars.com, targets with images of gun-wielding children, grandparents and pregnant mothers have been purchased by law enforcement agencies.
According to Infowars, the company Law Enforcement Targets Inc. has over $ 5.5 million dollars worth of contracts with the federal government.
Over $2 million of those contracts are with the Department of Homeland Security.
The article also points out that the DHS has purchased billions of rounds of ammunition.
The DHS supposedly has on hand about five bullets for each man, woman and child living in the United States.
Dark times my friends, very dark times.
If Waco and Ruby Ridge tell us anything, it’s that the federal government has a history of killing non-traditional combatants like young mothers and innocent kids.
The choice seems to be clear. Adjust, or we’re prepared to eliminate you.
"Oakland Humanitarians vs. Pittsburgh Recyclers," 06.23.14
At the rate liberals and the politically correct (PC) brigade in Washington, D.C., are going, it won’t be long until they force a name change on the White House.
“How can such an ethnocentric color be used in describing what should be an inclusive house for all,” they’ll claim...
The Houston Texans and the Dallas Cowboys? Not inclusive enough. Judging by the endless wave of illegal immigrants crossing a seemingly unguarded U.S./Mexico border, just call the Houston team the “Reconquistas” and the Dallas franchise the “Federales.”
That’s much more in line with proper, PC-approved language for our enlightened 21st century gatekeepers of tolerance and acceptance.
The Minnesota Vikings? Do we even need to bring this one up? Ethnocentrism has no place in an NFL where the Redskins name is deemed “disparaging.” How about the Minnesota Humans, where universal brotherhood and the rights of every man is what this franchise represents?
Makes sense to me.
Which brings us to the two New York franchises, the Jets and Giants. Neither seems to violate any liberal shibboleths, so both can stay.
Though “Giants” does seem to be discriminatory to midgets little people the vertically challenged, so let’s just go with the New York Normals.
Height is a social construct, after all.
"Zero Tolerance for Patriotism," 03.17.14
In case you aren’t aware, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals recently agreed with school administrators at California’s Live Oak High School who ordered students daring to wear the American flag – on Cinco de Mayo of all dates – to turn their shirts inside out or face expulsion.
Zero tolerance for patriotism in America, especially for those students in California who dared wear the flag of their nation on a date that is nothing more than an excuse for Americans (largely of non-Hispanic descent) to drink a margarita or two...
Not only do I completely side with those American students who wore American flag shirts on Cinco de Mayo, I’d proudly stand with them wearing a “Speak English” shirt the next time they want to make a statement.
For now, such an act of defiance would be constitutionally protected.
This time every year, the Charleston Comedy Festival begins its annual