Noted Civil War LARPer Glenn McConnell has signed a five-year contract to lead the Kingdom of Charleston, nearly two months after the school’s Knights of the Round Table voted to crown him.
According to the contract, which the Round Table’s Sir Greg Padgett released Monday, Lord McConnell, a dark elf who led his troops to victory in the Battle of Bugbear Run, will earn 300,000 in rupees, with 188,000 coming from the state and 112,000 from the school’s Ministry of Magic. He will live in the king’s castle on campus, and the school will provide him with a horse-drawn carriage, four knights, and a court jester named Slaveraham Lincoln.
The decision to hire Süth Carolingus’ pre-eminent live-action role player immediately sparked controversy on castle grounds. Many squires, friars, and muggles thought the selection was politically motivated. They also were concerned about how McConnell’s support of flying the traitorous Dark Elf Coat of Arms on the grounds of the State Castle and his participation in LARPing tournaments would be a personal affront to the kingdom’s lowly halflings, not to mention the members of the castle’s world-class quidditch team.
The announcement that McConnell would be named king sparked several kingdom protests, and no-confidence votes from the Student Squire Association and the Faculty Friars. But the Round Table stood firm in its decision to hire the dark elf, insisting he was the best wizard for the job, despite his past alliance with the vile Barbecue Baron of Columbia Maurice Bessinger and a sworn blood oath to the Dark One himself and his minions, the Death Re-enactors.
In a news release from the school, Sir Padgett said McConnell has “an unparalleled track record of leadership and service to the Kingdom of Süth Carolingus and we know that he possesses the vision and dedication that will lead the Kingdom of Charleston through the dark ages that have beset us. We hope that one day through his efforts the Kingdom of Charleston will control all of Middle Oaf.”
McConnell stated in the release that the school is in his DNA, thanks to a spell that was cast upon him when he was but a naive squire in the Kappa Kappa Klan fraternity. “Any success I have enjoyed throughout my LARPing career started with the excellent education I received at the castle in sewing, backyard blacksmithing, and cosplaying. I look forward to serving and leading the Kingdom of Charleston in a new chapter in its history marked by the subjugation of the lesser races of Middle Oaf, the creation of an annual Renaissance Faire, and weekly LARPing tournaments on the hallowed grounds of Marion Square,” McConnell stated in a scroll read aloud on the castle steps. Three virgins were immediately sacrificed in his honor. However, the subsequent celebratory feast ended when McConnell ordered the murder of all opposing noblemen and -women in attendance.
The castle grounds have been quiet in the past week, after a minor revolt among the lower classes this spring after McConnell first returned to the kingdom. Since then, most rebels have been burned at the stake, although not all.
A group of rebel halflings have continued to speak out against McConnell and have robbed royal carriages on the way in and out of the kingdom, most notably in the area known as the Neck, a dark and dangerous land where many a nobleman has lost his head.
The notorious bandit Stabbin Cabin said that he and his fellow hobbits were shocked when they learned about the contract late Monday. “We were upset the contract was signed,” Cabin said. “We were holding on to hope that He Who Shall Not Be Named would back out after we kidnapped members of his LARPing company and forced them to watch all eight episodes of ‘Southern Charm’ and then translate the dialogue into iambic pentameter. And the thought that it’s a five-year contract was particularly shocking. He’s a dark elf for Crom’s sakes who once supported Baron Bessinger himself. He’s no friend of halflings and he never will be either.”
Stabbin Cabin and his band of Hangry Halfings were planning to meet later Monday to discuss the issue and possibly prepare a silent assault on the castle.
McConnell is a native of the Kingdom of Charleston who served more than 30 years in the Süth Carolingus Star Chamber, the last 11 as the Grand Inquisitor. He is widely seen as one of the most powerful wizards in Süth Carolingus.
Apologies to Diane Kinch
of The Post and Courier.